Monday, February 13, 2006

Religious Post. No, Really!

And Jesus wept.

"What is the matter, Lord?" said Mark.
"Have you trodden on a rock or something?" said Peter.
"No, no," said John. "No rocks here. I've been looking hard. My sight is as keen as an eagle!"

"It is nothing," said Jesus.

"We can tell it is something." said Peter.
And verily, the Lord did seem rather sad.

"I weep," said the Christ, "for the pain in the world."
"Pain?" laughed John. "Cheer up, Lord! The sun is shining! The birds are singing! It's a beautiful day!"
"I weep," said the Christ, "for all the wars that have ever been fought and ever will be fought."
"War?" scofed Peter. "We live in a time of peace and of plenty. You don't see any of us taking up swords, do you? The only wars going on at the moment are against unimportant Indo-European peoples like the Celts and the Germans, and you can hardly expect them to give us much trouble, can you?"
"I weep," said the Christ, "For all the sins of the world."
Peter looked at John. "He could have a point there. Why, just yesterday, I saw him ogling Ma..."
"No, no," broke in Mark. "I'm sorry, guys, to be such a doubting Thomas ..."
"Hey!" said Thomas.
"Sorry, Thomas," said Mark. "But anyway, sin doesn't exist. Trust me. They've been doing lots of medical experiments on this in Rome, and the latest scientific tablets all agree: sin doesn't exist at all."
"But Mark ..." began John.
"No. I know your real problem, Lord," continued Mark. "You're depressed! You're clinically depressed!"

But Jesus only heaved a sigh and said nothing.

"I mean, it all fits," said Mark. "The sudden mood swings, the weeping for no reason. I knew this one legionary, Povrus Anecdotus, who had just the same problem."
"Really?" said Peter.
"Yes!" said Mark. "Don't worry, Lord. There's nothing wrong with you. And once you know there's nothing wrong with you, then you can be all right again!"
"What can we do to help?" said John.
"Be supportive," said Mark. "Lord, it's okay. We support you in your depression. You be sad for as long as you like."
"Is there any medication he can take?"
"Maybe," said Mark. "The latest research indicates that there are a number of anti-depressants out on the market - there's a rather good chemists at Lake Galilee, I hear - and if they are taken in moderation, ythey could make a distance. For instance, there's an interesting one just come out from Britain. It's called tea."

And the disciples fussed and bothered. And Christ looked upon them. Then he lifted his hand and smited them all with boils and they had to take to bed for a week.

"Jesus," said Jesus. "What a bunch of fuckwits."


Aunty Marianne said...

Jesus wept indeed.

TimT said...

... and, I was originally going to call this post 'And Jesus Schlepped'. But I don't know what schlepped means.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive