Sunday, March 05, 2006

Romantic Tips For Sensitive Zombies

This is a romantic advice column for zombies. If you are not a zombie, then you had probably better stop reading now. If you are not a zombie, then, I do not hesitate in saying that this is probably the most inappropriate romantic guide that you will ever read in your life.

If you are a zombie, however, it is quite appropriate.

If you look like this, then keep reading.

1. Communication is essential to all zombies in a relationship. Remember, guy zombies, if you're going out with a girl zombie, always tell her how much she means to you.Here are some conversational pointers:

'When I leer into your eye-sockets, my heart swells with horror.'

'Oh, Repulsiva. You fill me with such sweet revulsion, as another would feel upon gazing at a hollowed out skull filled with maggots. Be mine!'

2. Take her out somewhere nice. Remember, just because you feel like going to the local McDonalds and eating some of the customers doesn't mean she does. Perhaps she prefers a romantic evening spent in the graveyard, savaging some of the Goths?

3. Many girl zombies like dancing, but always remember, when you are holding her, refrain from biting her limbs off. This sort of behaviour is to be confined to the bedchamber. This may seem a little old-fashioned to some of you younger zombies out there, but it is the right thing to do.

4. If her arm, leg, or head falls off while you are kissing her, be polite. Store them in a safe place before continuing.

5. If, on the other hand, she is feeling adventurous, leave them out, and you could have a great deal of fun. One of the great advantages of being a zombie is that you can put your limbs to a great deal of use before screwing them on again afterwards.

(If this column interests you, you might like to look at some of the other useful publications:

How to Succeed in Hell Without Really Frying

Which Are Better: Zombies or Hippies? A scientific examination.

Culture for the Brainless Undead: an Introduction to Conceptual Art

The Family That Slays Together Stays Together

How To Find a Career in Inhuman Resources


lorena said...

I love your advice. I'm not a zombie now, but I used to be part-time...not too long ago.

Caz said...

Ah, there, see Tim, Lorena held onto her part time work while looking for a new job. Very sensible course of action. And if Lorena finds herself in changed circumstances now she'll have your zombie advice to fall back on, which is just great. See, blogging & job seeking is working already!

rascuache said...

i like your versatility, i expect to see you as the agony aunt in zombie times next month


Fatman said...

Ultimately I stopped dating Undead chicks not because the mouthful of maggots that you get when you kiss them (as well as the occasional tongue)nor the total lack of things we had in common:

(Outside of Cinema)

Me: What did you think of the film? I don't think it was Jarmusch's greatest effort to be honest with you.

Undead Girl: Fnarglargle.

Me: Well, I like Bill Murray as well but just because he's in a film it doesn't...

Undead Girl: (lunges at popcorn guy) Yargleurgle! Pubkorn!

Me: I hate it when you do this.

Popcorn Guy: Heeeelp! For the LOVE OF GOD! Arrgghhhh!

Me:....So, should I cancel the dinner reservations?

...These relationships ultimately fail because I promise their Father Zombies to have them buried in a coffin by daybreak and since I pulled my back last July it's just too much of an effort.

Mmmmmmm! Maggoty!

Caz said...

fatman - look, I understand that you gave the decison serious thought, weighing up the costs & benefits rationally, but don't come back here complaining about how lean are your mating pickings now that you've ruled out the zombie ladies.

Patrick said...

I was a teenage Zombie myself, but someone lifted the curse and I was able to think and act under my own steam.

Still, sometimes I long for the Zombified days when I thought I knew it all coz now that I can think for myself, I seem to know so much less than I did when other people were doing it for me.

TimT said...

Lorena, great to hear one can be a part time zombie.

Caz - good point, I feel encouraged already.

Rascuache - brains, brains BRAINS right back at ya! I didn't know there was a zombie times. We live and learn.

Fatman - thanks for sharing. That was a beautiful story.

Patrick, interesting. So what was it shocked you out of your zombiefication? Love to hear.

Patrick said...

September the 11th

TimT said...

I ain't surprised.

Love Teacher said...

I am not a zombie but i love to be because your blog interest me a lot.

I also went through your other publication and i found them good too.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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