Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Labours Of ...

There's a commenter over at new blog Lexicon Harlot that refers to 'The labours of Ulysses.' I presume they're thinking about 'the labours of Hercules', but what the hell. With this comment, they could very well have opened up a Pandora's Box of worms that they might not be able to put a leash back onto. Or something. I mean, if there can be a 'Labours of Ulysses' as well as a 'Labours of Hercules', what other mythical characters could find themselves in trouble?

The Labours of Sisyphus
Sisyphus was the Greek king sentenced to roll a stone up a hill for eternity as punishment for his cruelty in the mortal world.

Sisyphus: (After trying to roll the stone up the hill for 10 kazillion years pauses to wipe the sweat off his brow) Wait a minute! Why the hell am I even doing this? I could just - walk away! Ha! Fuck this shit! I'm outta her... (Is flattened by the stone rolling over his body) Oh. Fuck.


The Labours of Tiresias
It's a little known fact that, apart from being the only Greek man to spontaneously transform into a woman and back again, Tiresias also gave birth to a child!

Tiresias: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I think I'm about to give birth!

Mrs Tiresias: What? You two-timing transexual twerp, you! Who the fuck have you been sleeping with?

Tiresias: Never mind that! Where the fuck is this kid going to come out?


The Labours of Zipporah
Zippora was married to Moses, who apparently had the 10 Commandments 'revealed' to him on the mountaintop. Not so!

Moses: (Pacing the room, in the heat of inspiration, reciting) Thou shalt not murder! Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass! Thou shalt not boil a kid in its mother's milk (even if it be really tasty)! Thou shalt not ...

Zipporah: (Pauses, amidst a shroud of dust and stone flakes, from chiselling the commandments on to stone) Moses - baby - darlin' - don't you think you're goin' a bit overboard here?

Moses: Silence, woman!

Zipporah: Fuck. (Muttering to herself as she chisels) I knew we should have put a 'No Fault Divorce' amendment into that second commandment ...


And coming soon: The Labors of Kevin Rudd. (If you thought the Stygian stables were full of shit, wait until you see caucus ...)


Anonymous said...

Thanks for your good work with the Ulysses/Hercules confusion, monsignore; I decided not to get too uppity with my correspondent (I mean, what's a name between Homeric heroes? and Ulysses got close enough to mucking out stables when he came up with that giant horse plan). Still, this is GOLD (as in Methuselah, his Argonauts, and the Golden Fleece). If there were a periodical for pedantic classicists, they'd be making you their editor.

TimT said...

Oh, I don't know. I'd quite happily settle for advice columnist.

Anonymous said...

You want to make sure you don't get deported to Guantanamo Bay for illicit shenanigans with Caesar's daughter, Dr O. The colosseum's crawling with suspicious looking chaps in togas.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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