Friday, December 08, 2006

Splenetically Engineered Food

Genetically Engineered Foods are so old hat. These days, what everyone is talking about are Splenetically Engineered Foods - they're all the rage!

Asparagus that makes you feel bad about yourself while eating it by telling you how it's going to go "straight to your thighs."

Potato with added pea genes to make it more round, and have a somewhat more palindromical name.

A sausage made from meat designed by vegans. When you eat it, it makes you feel more hungry, not less.

Leeks that grow their own plugs, so they don't lose any of their juice.

Soup for people who don't have any hands. It ladles itself into your mouth.

Pasta containing mince meat designed by angry vegans. The mince meat grows teeth, so that when you bite it, it bites back!

Tomato that takes you back to frightening events in your childhood and talks to you about the Oedipus Complex that you never knew you had.

Soup which sings La Donne E Mobile, The Anvil Chorus, and other operatic hits to you. It may possibly be a member of the Mafia, as well.

Fruit designed by activist carnivores, designed to taste so disgusting that it puts other people off fruit forever. Comes in two flavours: Cranny Smiths, and Long Browns.

Sausage made from meat designed by pacifist vegans. As you slice it, it strikes up a conversation with you and asks you to consider your eating choices.

Mutton that tells you dirty jokes as you are trying to enjoy your meal. If you pour on some gravy to try to drown it out, the conversation just gets saucier.

Clam crossed with lamb. Tastes cold and wet. Popular in communist countries.

Biscuit dip with a bizarre addiction to show tunes and a lisp.

Vegetable that tries to sell you stuff. Back in the 1990s, in the early days of Splenetic Engineering, they tried to make a bogan with environmentalist tendencies by crossing a stick of celery with some guy called Larry they found in Werribee. Instead, they ended up with a vegetable that doubled up as a Used-Car salesman.

A shellfish with hammers instead of claws.

A bird dish that is able to talk to you, albeit only about trivial subjects, like Britney Spears' underwear.

An alcoholic carrot. It can help you see in the dark, but it won't stop you from falling all over the street as you stumble home at night from the vegetable juice bar.

A cucumber with a special talent for solving pub trivia questions.

Sweet tht tries to dissuade you from eating it by administering increasing electric shocks to your palate as you chew. Said to come from a cross-breeding of the cocoa bean and the electric eel.


Caz said...

Ah, so that's what happens when we mess with the food chain with genetic modifications.

Sounds fun, interative and educational, for the whole family.

TimT said...

That's what I thought!

Cliche about GM food that I hate? 'Frankenfood'.

Anonymous said...

That was one of the funniest and bad movies ever, I completely forgot the plot of the movie, maybe because I only watched one time.

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Email: timhtrain - at -

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