Sunday, September 16, 2007

An application for the position of John Laws

Dear John Laws,

It was with great horror, not to mention a sense of deep grief, that I recently heard of your plans to retire from the position of John Laws. You have fulfilled the position of John Laws so well that now you are stepping down from the position of John Laws, people are beginning to ask, 'who will be John Laws now?' I confess that I wept when this question was first asked.
Allow me to be neither the first nor the last to offer you condolences. I suppose it will be a small consolation that you will continue to be John Laws in private.

However, I digress. I am writing to you today, John Laws, because I would like to offer my services to you, to 2GB, and to the Australian Public as the new John Laws.

I believe I have several skills that uniquely qualify me for the position of John Laws. I have attached a copy of my resume, and will further take the opportunity of listing my achievements here in as long winded and detailed a fashion as possible, in order to make clear to you why I am right for the position of John Laws.

- I have been steadily developing a range of controversial opinions on important matters like 'those refugees' and 'bloody communists'.

- I practise saying complementary things about Valvoline every evening in front of the mirror for two hours, and now have developed such an emotional attachment to the product that I weep whenever I think about it. (Frequently, they're so convincing that I rush out the door and buy myself several cans of Valvoline every evening - and I don't even drive).

- I have had my voice surgically altered to be as deep as possible, and practice in further deepening and enriching my tones every day by reading masculine poems like 'Charge of the Light Brigade', and inhaling 'Essence de Domingo', a nasal spray, every morning.

- I also have strong people skills, an ability to learn on the job, and experience in data entry!

- I have been called a 'Jumped-up Philip Adams', a 'wannabee Andrew Bolt', a 'pimple on the buttock of Janet Albrechtsen', and a 'Wen on the inner-nasal passages of John Pilger'. Therefore, I have strong on-the-ground experience as a number of important media identities, and I'm sure I'll take to the position of John Laws easily!

- Finally, as you are a successful radio presenter who also has aspirations to be a bad poet, and as I am an unsuccessful poet with aspirations to be a bad radio presenter, I'm sure the trade of positions will go brilliantly!

My needs are simple, modest, and easily satisfied: I am willing to work at a price of no less than $1000 per controversial opinion, rising to $3000 on the weekend.

Together, I am sure we can introduce John Laws to a new generation of listeners, and carry on the grand old Australian tradition of being John Laws on the public airwaves! And isn't that what we I both want?

Yours sincerely,
John Laws (in waiting)


nailpolishblues said...

What a horrible notion. Like something conceived from a nightmare.

Mitzi G Burger said...

Odious job, Nails, yes - but someone's gotta do it.

nailpolishblues said...

I wish I believed that, Mitzi.

TimT said...

I'm not sure what the horrible notion is, that under this arrangement, I would be on Australian airwaves - or, conversely, that the position of John Laws is an eternal one, and that he will just go on and on and on, into Australia's far-distant future...

nailpolishblues said...

I have no objection to you being on the airwaves, unless, of course, you have an awful voice and then I would object on the grounds that people with awful voices should, generally, just be shot/sent to elocution lessons forever.
It's the being John Laws part. Ew.

Caz said...

No polyps on the anus of life, hmm?

Interesting notion Nails. Timmy looks manly enough (indeed, especially manly sans bow tie), but he might have a voice like Mike Tyson, or David Beckham.

nailpolishblues said...

Ah, poor Becks, it must suck to be a grown man who sounds like a little girl.

He might even sound like Bill Gates - that would be spectacularly awful. Similarities in dress though...

TimT said...

Lawsy really does have an extraordinary voice, and it's not just the Valvoline ads. I remember seeing some footage of him from the 70s, on a nameless Australian variety show, singing 'Climb every mountain'. Singing it well. One of the more mildly shocking moments of my life, if that's possible.

nailpolishblues said...

If you happened to be a child at the time that does not count as evidence.

Maria said...

You forgot to mention anything about the talking dog outside the QVB.

To me any person who wishes to fill the estimable Golden Tonsils position of John Laws ought to be able to convince people he is a carved dog who has been given the power of speech.

And to accidentally say "Thank You" BEFORE someone throws a coin in the fountain.

Most important to have that on your CV.

phil said...

Someone has to Keep The Dream Alive (tm).

May as well be you.

I'm sure Valvoline has multiple uses.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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