The great Australian brain shortage

Well, now we are in the twelfth year of the Australian brain drought and there's no end in sight. People have long since ceased to ask, "Do you think we'll have any brains this year?" and "How many brains do we have left?" They have now moved on to stoic acceptance.

It is worth asking again what has led to our current brainless state. We never used to have a problem with brains! There were plenty of brains to go round: brains for all! We saw a fresh flow of new brains into our country every year, and no-one went lacking for brains. Indeed, right through the 50s and 60s, the patriotic cry was: "One man! One brain! One country!" Our brains were our own, and no-one could take them away from us!

However, it's amazing what shortages can be created with a little political will and the money to back them up. Quite soon, shortages started appearing in the nation's brain supply. Little were we to know that these temporary brain shortages would turn out to be a recurring problem in our system of brain management.

The recriminations soon began: "This country never had enough brains to go around!" was the cry of the environmentalists. They maintained that we had exceeded the natural, sustainable amount of brains in this country, and that unless parts of the population started drastically cutting back on their brain use, we would soon be in deep trouble.
Socialists, on the other hand, maintained a rigorous Brain Redistribution policy. For a short time, the Whitlam Government tried to instate a National Brain Rationing Scheme, where brains were taken from the overly intelligent and given to the stupid. "It is greedy and selfish of the intelligent to be thinking so much with their brains, when the stupid people don't get to do any thinking at all!" argued one minister. However, the stupid didn't like being called stupid, and the intelligent weren't too happy about this policy either, and it never got off the ground.
Meanwhile, the right-wing insisted that only those who could pay for brains through their own ghard-earned money deserved them. Still others insisted on opening up the free market in brainns, and privatising the National Brainage schemes set up inn the 1930s and 40s by successive governments.

For a time, we seemed to have brains worked out. The great national shortage of brains reeceded, and while there still weren't quite enough brains to go round, most people had a brain, or at least half a brain to themselves. Sensible management of brains by politicians, combined with the contribution of some private brain providers, seemed to be working. There were sighs of relief all around, and people got back to the business of thinking with what brains they had.

Unfortunately, all was not as it seemed. After ten or so years with the brain supply being more or less stable, we have fallen into the worst brain drought of our history. What has caused this
current brain shortage is certainly up for debate, but the situation has become drastic. The brain levels in all states and territories has become so low that politicians have resorted to drastic measures to curb brain usage. Restrictions on thinking at certain hours of the day have become the norm, and brain users find themselves having to conform to a number of regulations regarding size and type of brain used.

Innovative solutions have been proposed, including the construction of new brain infrastructure for all the states and territories. Our Prime Minister, John Howard, has given it the inspiring title of THE NATIONAL BRAIN DRAIN. This 'drain' would lead to a 'national brain pool', and would be able to be accessed by all Australians, irrespective of background or intelligence.
It remains to be seen whether we can finally make our brain situation stable again, but many are confident that with the good will and devotion of our political leaders, that brains can be restored to their former place of prestige in our nation, and that we can restore our previous
high levels of brains.

However, there are many who doubt this can be achievable. Recent revelations that the brain drought stretches to very high levels, and that in fact many of our most senior politicians have been swearing off brain use for just this reason, have rocked the nation. It might be possible to admire our leaders for their stoic refusal to indulge in even the most basic level of thinking, but can it be safe to run a nation completely without brains? What could the consequences be for the management of our remaining brain stocks if this situation continues?

There are further allegations that the federal Liberal/National Coalition have helped to create the national brain shortage by their unusual dietary habits. It seems certain that, whatever the outcome of these current scandals are, that the great Australian brain shortage will not end anytime soon...

Federal Minister Philip Ruddock (or possibly Tony Abbott, it's hard to tell) refused to comment when questioned regarding allegations that he had contributed to the great Australian brain shortage by eating the brains of his fellow Federal politicians...