Apologisathon

They certainly like apologising, Labor politicians. They'll even go out of their way to do it for other people.

Della Bosca wrote apology to himself
New South Wales Education Minister John Della Bosca says he wrote the apology given to him by a central coast nightclub over a row involving him and his wife, federal MP Belinda Neal.

The statement was issued by the management of the Iguanas Waterfront restaurant and nightclub after staff claimed Mr Della Bosca and Ms Neal abused and threatened them.

Now, it's obviously not altogether uncommon for people to go out of a night, have a few too many drinks, get into a fight with staff, and then wake up not remembering anything about it. John Della Bosca and Belinda Neal have gone one better here: they've gone out of a night, had a few too many drinks, got into a fight with staff, and then woke up to find that the staff didn't remember anything about it, either.

I'd loved to have seen the apology Della Bosca wrote to himself here. Just how, exactly, do you go about writing something like this?

TO: Mr John Della Bosca
Dear Sir

You, the undersigned, would like to express your complete and full regrets to myself for the event that I say happened at the Iguana Nightclub on the evening of ____. It was due to a number of unfortunate oversights on your part that the events I allege to have happened did actually happen. You offer your most sincere and heartfelt apologies for these alleged events, and can only offer me your promise that what I allege to have happened (and did actually happen) won't ever allegedly happen to me again.

Furthermore, you would also like to say that after extensive consultations with your staff, you have determined that the events that you allege to have happened didn't actually happen as you allege them to have happened. You have found, after these consultations, that the interpretation of the events as you allege them to have happened was flawed, so that they didn't happen; and that on further consultation, the events that I allege to have happened did actually happen. You would further like to reassure me that the staff responsible for the incident that happened as I say it happened have been reprimanded for making it happen.

Again, you would like to offer your most sincere and heartfelt apologies for the entire incident. Which happened.

You're welcome.

Sincerely, not to mention allegedly, yours,
YOU

John Della Bosca, MLC, Minister for Education and Training, Minister for Industrial Relations, Minister for the Central Coast, Minister assisting the Minister for Finance, and Leader of the Legislative Council