Friday, June 06, 2008

Cigars all round

I got an email recently from some friends in Hong Kong telling me that they'd just had a baby. Yes, this is how much I keep in touch with friends. I was completely flawed by the news, and I'm still not sure whether to give them congratulations or commisserations. Still, since I'm unlikely to have a baby myself at any point in the near future, for reasons which shall remain undisclosed and obvious, I feel completely unqualified to offer my Hong Kongese friends on advice into their future as parents. So I will anyway.

Words that will acquire new and unexpected meanings for you as a parent!
TIMEWhat time is it/Is it your turn this time/Everybody should be in bed at this time/What is it this time/I didn't even know this time existed/Time out/This is the absolutely last time I'll.../This is absolutely definitely the last time I'll.../This is absolutely definitely and definitively the last time I'll...
DON'TDON'T pick your nose/don't eat that/don't hit your brother/sister/father/cousin/relative/pet/don't hit that random man on the street/don't do that, you're not a dog/don't throw that, it might break/smash/explode/shout
NONO, you can't do that/There will be no walking to school in your pyjamas/No, you'll have to put something more on than that/No, not that either/No, you can't do that/No, you can't have that/No, do you think I'm made out of money?/No, I'm not getting out of bed
WHERE/WHAT/WHENWhere did you get that/Where have you been/Where do you think you are going/What is that/What on earth are you doing with that/Just what do you think you are going to do with that/Just when were you planning on telling me that...
LOOKYou look like something that cat dragged in/You look worse than something the cat dragged in/Look at that thing the cat dragged in, and then take a look at yourself in the mirror/It's rather difficult to look at you through all that mud/Look at the time, you'd better go to bed.
ASKAsk your mother/Ask your father/You asked your mother and she said ask your father/Ask her again/Why are you asking these things anyway?/I don't mind you asking, but I can't answer that/Mind if I ask just what you've got all over you face...?
VOMIT/PEE/POO(Examples too numerous and disgusting to mention here)


Caz said...

You forgot the most used one of all:

"oops" - while it has special cache in the early years, it remains popular for the duration.

"burp" also features prominently in the day to day lives of parents and children.

TimT said...

I'd better make a note of those ones. Maybe update the list. Though when it comes to body functions, it may be best not to be too specific.

Caz said...

Oh wow, I thought I was being helpful by offering up "oops" (trust me, every parent knows what I mean), but there I was, smug parent that I am, entirely overlooking the importance of "cheap cast iron cookware".

Sure, it seems like a cumbersome expression at first, but every new parent will find it rolling rapidly off the tongue in countless tricky new-baby situations.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry too much about your flaws. Most people have them.

TimT said...

Spam deleted, maybe one of my cutlery posts in the past attracted him?

Anonymous, it is indeed a good thing we have flaws. If we didn't, what would keep everything in our house from falling onto the dirty ground?

Caz said...

Now that the flaw situation has been sorted, I can verify it's handy-dandiness: dropped an entire two thirds of a fresh large pizza on the flaw this very day, face down. Thanks to the flaw, all was well and while the pizza was severely disheveled it was still rescuable for eating purposes.

Maria said...

What about "always" and "never"?

Always wash your hands before a meal/I'm always picking up after you/You'll always be living in this end of town if you don't do your maths/You're always wearing that/God is always watching you/If you always eat fruit loops you'll get fat/That's always been in the hallway, don't move it [crash!]

(Never, just swap it round, I'm sure TimT can do the creative work)

TimT said...

Youse lot are all so clever. I never could have come up with these examples on my own.

Caz said...

You left out the killer app Maria: "I always know when you're lying to me".

Many a child believes that, long after they've figured out that Santa Claus and the Eater Bunny are favorite adult lies.

Maria said...

I believed in the Eater Bunny for ages, caz.

"Eat up your greens or the Eater Bunny will eat you!"

Caz said...

Wow, I'm impressed Maria.

Not only did your parents lie to you they cruelly led you to believe that the Easter Bunny was not a soft cuddly friend with a monopoly on chocolate distribution, but a soft cuddly child eater.

Damn, not many parents are that creative.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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