Saturday, August 08, 2009

Modern mental disorders

Pre-emptive hypochondriac post traumatic stress disorder (PHPTSD)
In this syndrome, the sufferer diagnoses themselves with a traumatic response to a coming personal crisis before that personal crisis has happened. Often, they will ask themselves questions about what will happen to them if something happens to them, and will usually experience flashforwards to the flashbacks they are going to have to some sort of traumatic event, whatever that traumatic event is going to be.

Spontaneous Tranquility Attack (STA)
The sufferer, often for no apparent reason at all, will find themselves undergoing sudden devastating feelings of calm, and thoughts like 'things aren't so bad, really', and 'isn't it a lovely day'. This is often disastrous for their nervous, high-paced lifestyle, as it results in lack of motivation and an inability to take seriously serious things seriously.

The inability to remember minute details about a celebrity's life, despite being bombarded with those details, day in, day out, by every media source imaginable. This disorder is often treated by removing all the media sources from the sufferer, following which he or she will feel, for no apparent reason, as if they were missing out on something, though they're not sure what. After being exposed to celebrity media again, they will pay renewed interest to the details of the celebrity's personal life.

Multilateral summit personality disorder
A type of mass hysteria or delusion where all of the important members of a worldwide political summit decide, en-masse, that they are actually the collective delusion of a small, insignificant participant in that summit, a guy called Smith who has been sitting in the corner and quietly making notes on an Excel spreadsheet all this time. (Also known as reverse multiple personality disorder).


kae said...

Oh my God!

I have the first one.... and I need the second one.

I thought that the third was Gymnasia, because I need that one, too, but I misread it.

Dan the VespaMan said...

The sufferer believes they can see disturbing images in the latte art a Barista creates in the froth of cappuccino beverages.

Ampersand Duck said...

How many of these do you need to have to be certifiable? I'm a bit worried, I have all four at times.

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