Saturday, August 29, 2009

Several unpleasant things and a pleasant thing

Morning television presenters smile. A lot. Their faces are so permanently fixed up in a rictus of apparent pleasure that you know they must want something out of you. Who wants to wake up in the morning and suffer the agony of someone leering at you, teeth gaping through their half-opened mouths, for two hours on end? Yet that is exactly what morning television is like. 

Other people that smile too much: people in advertisements for gyms, people in shampoo ads, and the Joker, while he is in the midst of performing another demonically evil act. 

Also, the other day, I saw on television an advertisement for Qantas. It featured children frolicking about in the natural landscapes of Australia. They all wore white shirts. They were waving their faces around in the sunlight. They were crooning some dreadful hymn about Australia having sons and daughters who were doing meaningless things in other countries. And , O God, yes, they were smiling. It was a vision of horror! Imagine drowning at the bottom of an ocean of golden syrup, physically asphyxiating on saccharine. That's how bad it was. 

Coffee, however, is pleasant. Coffee does not smile at you in the morning while delivering banal news stories, or try to sell you gymkhana memberships. Coffee does not wear a white shirt or wave its deformed visage around in the sunlight or gargle hideous homilies about the virtues of home. Coffee is sturdy, reliable, grainy, and black. I think I will have another one now. 

Have a nice weekend. 


Dan the VespaMan said...

I once saw an advertisement for life insurance delivered by some very smiley and cheerful people.

On many levels, it made me feel very comfortable about death.

nailpolishblues said...

Morning television presenters are the punishment for being up too damn early. Or, possibly, a kind community service - a virtual lobotomy before work. Just what we all need.

My little Irish barista smiles a lot and flashes his teeth and makes me coffee that's like a punch to the head so I will love him 'til I die.

TimT said...

Irish Baristas! We have one in Melbourne too. They must all make coffee over there. In little latte sweatshops in Donnegal.

Sometimes, morning presenters and their maniacal smiles are also a punishment for foolish people who undertake the task of rewatching and monitoring the television for entirely spurious reasons.

Martin Kingsley said...

Coffee isn't possessed by the long-lost spirit of saccharine because, like all good and worthwhile substances, it's killing you slowly, and it knows it, and knows that you do, too, and that you know that it knows, and that it knows that you know it knows that you know it knows, and so on and so forth. It says, "Son, one day, you'll regret this. Aye, you'll regret the fuck out of it. Maybe! But maybe not! The eternal conundrum, eh? Eh?! Drink up, boy, day's a-wastin'!"

nailpolishblues said...

Well, my desire to visit Ireland just went through the roof. I'm still keeping mine though. He's definitely half leprechaun. He even has dimples and extreme shortness going on.

So, a virtual lobotomy at work? And to think, we employ people to fulfil that function.

Caz said...

Martin - coffee is a health food and just might prevent Alzheimer too.

Drink up everyone, your life is in your coffee cup.

Dan - it's the cheeriness that makes planning for your death and your funeral sound, well, almost fun, fun, fun! Why take the family to Ikea on Sunday when you could be choosing an insurance policy?

A startling number of women on telly smile while cleaning toilets and bathrooms, or while doing the laundry. Deeply disturbing. Like mini horror movies.

Caz said...

Tim - people watch television for spurious reasons?


Mitzi G Burger said...

I win the no-early-morning-smiles comp! I start most days scowled at by roomfuls of spiteful, bored, uneasy adolescents. As I subscribe til the 'don't smile til Easter'* policy, I joyously ricochet that collective glare right back at the wee munchkins. It's the opposite of a Care Bear Stare.

Coffee is my permanent mentor: puts strength in my heart, encourages and energises and generally speeds up first and second period.

*Started at current job after Easter 09.

Epskee said...

I'm sorry, but I didn't "get" that Quantas add. Perhaps because the first half of it was sung in a foreign language????

Or maybe it was just too early in the morning and I hadn't yet had my coffee or been assaulted by a sufficient number of smiles yet.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive