How to keep your chakra and chi in perfect alignment without endangering toddlers

A 2 year old toddler has been mauled after a woman's spirit dog escaped and went on a rampage, it has been reported.

"I don't know why it happened," said Dawn Fairychild Crystal-Aubergine, of Daylesford. "He was always such a peaceful spirit dog, inspiring my soul, and providing me with calm and tranquil guidance in my day to day problems, and keeping my chakra and chi in perfect alignment. I don't see how he could do this."

This is the fifth such spirit dog attack in recent months, but it pales in insignificance to the great spirit tiger rampage of 1972, in which the spirit guide of a lonely, reclusive old man living in Palo Alto, California, escaped and ate several members of the town.

There have been renewed calls for greater regulation and licensing of spirit animals following this attack. Meanwhile, Ms Crystal-Aubergine says next time, she'll get a smaller, safer spirit guide. "I'm thinking a spirit tarantula", says says. "They're so furry! Everyone loves them!"