Terrifying true tales of encounters with wildlife

Just the other week, I was lying on the couch minding my own business, when a FEARSOME MINIATURE LION leapt at me and savagely CURLED up in my lap, ROARING in a subdued but TERRIFYING fashion while I attempted to subdue it by offering it a back massage.

The lion in the wild - nature photography taken by the Baron.

But that's not all. My brother came round on Monday, and he was accompanied by a HORRIFYING BLACK WOLF, with WHITE PAWS. This wolf proceeded to TEAR UP TREES WITH ITS BARE JAWS, and HURL them about before running up to me looking exceedingly THREATENING and DANGEROUS. I then attempted to distract the wolf by hurling the trees back into the park repeatedly, but it didn't work - THE WOLF KEPT BRINGING THEM BACK!

And it gets worse. Our backyard has been colonised by GROTESQUE DINOSAUR LIKE REPTILES, with DAGGERS INSTEAD OF MOUTHS, and WINGS IN THE MANNER OF PTERODACTYLS, only somewhat FLUFFIER. And over the past couple of days they have retreated to their FOUL REPTILIAN DEN occasionally and lain several MONSTROUS CALCITE OBJECTS, which over time may hatch into something even MORE monstrous. We are attempting to subdue this process as best we can, by storing the eggs in safe keeping. In the fridge.

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL!