Tuesday, June 26, 2012

An elegant solution is proposed to the Chaplains in School controversy

Growing up isn't easy. Everyday in school, kids have a difficult time, struggling with problems such as bullying, exclusion, and their own self-esteem. But in times of crisis, who can they turn to?

Will Type For Food would like to propose a new CHAPS IN SCHOOL PROGRAM. Here's how it would work. It would be just like the Chaplains In School program, except instead of having a minister for a church give advice to kids, that advice would be given by eccentric pipe-smoking fops in tweed.

The lessons from this valuable CHAPS IN SCHOOL PROGRAM would stay with children for life.


Chap is sitting in plush velveteen armchair wreathed in ruminative pipes of steam, occasionally rustling a racing form guide in front of him, when in walks a young girl, about seven or eight years old. 

YOUNG GIRL: Um, Mr Chap... I was wondering if I could ask you a question?

CHAP: (Drifts a languid hand in the air by way of lazily saying, go ahead)

YOUNG GIRL: Well... you see... I was just wondering... is there a God?

CHAP: (Loud spluttering is heard behind the smoke, followed by the sounds of the chap frantically wrestling with his pipe for several moments before his bewhiskered face shoots from out of the clouds of steam and fog.) I say, that's a bally odd question, who the devil put you up to it, my good child?

YOUNG GIRL: It's just... my mum says one thing and my dad says another...

CHAP: Well, taking one difficulty with another, weighing up one probability with another, I jolly well have to say that this is the most confounding dem quandary that any of you young suppers at the font of knowledge have ever had the temerity to ask me! I say.... (taking off his glasses and peering at the student)... do you like motorcars? Eh? Well I jolly well say it's time for you to start learning how to drive. Let's go for a jolly jaunt through the Elysian fields while I nut this one out...  

Yes, it's clear that the Will Type For Food CHAPS IN SCHOOL PROGRAM would help children to answer many of their deepest questions, including: when is the right time to have brandy*, when should a gentleman shave**, and what is the right age to give a child their first pipe***? It cannot be rolled out across the nation soon enough.

*Answer: always. 
**Answer: never.
***Answer: sometimes.


Amanda Anastasi said...

As you can imagine, Tim, I am not at all a fan of the Chaplains in School program, and think the 'Chaps In Schools' program is a damn fine alternative. Love it, so funny! :D

epicormicgrowth said...

My progeny has not been allowed to attend CRE at school. I would rather he attend the nondescript 'Values' class instead (better nondescript than prescriptive). Though I do wish his class could be taught by one of your chaps.

Having said that, Chaps in School could bring a whole other dynamic demographic to the school (think Mardi Gras).

TimT said...

I foresee so many educational benefits of this program: pronounciation: ('Now children, repeat after me: 'PIP PIP!), geometry ('Today we'll be learning about the Windsor Knot and delving into the mysteries of the Bow Tie. Next week: pocket squares!'). And so so much more.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive