Family and Stuff

During Christmas you do some pretty funny things, like catch up with other members of your family and stuff. The highlight of the Christmas was meeting up with my brother Lachlan. He used to work as a pigger in Victoria, looks like a drug-dealer (or a terrorist), and drinks like a - um, what's an appropriate simile for a person who consumes a hell of a lot of alcohol in an incredibly short space of time?
Anyway, he's blood funny. Here's just a few of the conversations we had over the past couple of days...

Lachlan: (While walking with us to Garden City, about a km from my house) If you kids don't shut up, I'm turning this footpath right around and taking you all home!

Or...

Lachlan: Ah, you might be able to J-walk over that street, but are you able to S-walk?

Me: You mean jump about like somebody out of Monty Python's Ministry of Silly Walks while wearing a penguin on my head?

Lachlan: I see you know your S-walking.

Me: Yeah, but in this town they have something against it.

Lachlan: Bastards!

Me: They prefer wearing pelicans on their heads...

Or...

Me: Well, there are planespotters, and trainspotters, but what about Trainspotters, for people like you and me? (Our last name is Train) They could shout, 'Hey, look, there's a Train! Let's get his picture!'

Lachlan: Sounds good.

Me: You could go better, and have things like 'Smith' spotters - the Royal Society of Smith Spotters.

Lachlan: Na, they're way to common. How about - 'Smythe' spotters?

Me: Yeah!

Lachlan: And when people ask them if they spot 'Smiths', they could correct them, saying, 'Excuse me. We're SMYTHE spotters!'

Me: (Laughs)

Lachlan: When I was at the car races, some kid came up to me and asked for my signature. He was really excited, going, "Aw, please, can I get your autograph?" Must have thought I was one of the driver's. So I signed it, even though I probably broke the poor kids heart...