CLOSET HOMOPHOBE!!!

Committed redneck, gay-hater and homophobe Hal Harkleman recently spent two months behind doors, masquerading as a 'homosexual', in order to discover more about their 'lifestyle'. He has now written a startling book about his experiences - titled Behind Doors with the Backdoor Bandits!
Harkleman seemed relaxed and comfortable when our resident redneck, Bruce Baldwin, spoke to him in his Broadmeadows residence recently...

BB: So, what are they like, really? Gays, I mean? Sometimes it seems hard to believe they really exist!

HH: I know, it's strange, isn't it? And you know something even stranger? They're normally very ordinary people!

BB: Really?

HH: Yes, really. Whenever they're not bending over, taking it up the back chute, making like the backstreet boys, or generally sucking the saveloy, they're actually very nice!

BB: Wow!

HH: Yep. Really!

BB: But ... what about all that limp-wristed stuff? You know, the hand-flapping, the air-kisses, the 'hello, Sailor!' type stuff?

HH: Well... to tell you the truth...

BB: Yes?

HH: (Leaning in, whispering) They just do it to have us on.

BB: What?

HH: Really! In private, they're all, 'G'day Bob, nice ter meet yer, Joe, 'ave another beer mate!' - just like you and me!

BB: Even... even the mincing? They put that on too?

HH: Oh, the mincing! I can tell you something about that! You see, they have classes!

BB: Classes?

HH: Yes! They teach you how to walk like a fag! Really! Here, I'll show you ... (standing up, swinging his hips poofter style) you move your legs like this, and your hips like this, and ...

BB: Here, steady on mate, you're not a poofter now!

HH: Sorry... I forget sometimes...

BB: So tell me... there's something I'm dying to know...

HH: Yeah?

BB: Did you really... you know ... take it up the arse?

HH: What?

BB: Did you slurp on the sausage? Did you kiss the cabanossi?

HH: Well, I made romanski with the kransky, if that's what you mean...

BB: Well, mate, doesn't that make you a flaming ... homosexual?

HH: (Rises up and punches BB in the face) Ey, what I did, mate, was purely for scientific research! Who cares if I had a bit of fun on the side?

BB: Jeez mate! ... sorry I asked ... one more question though...

HH: What?

BB: Well... what's it like?

HH: I can show you if you like.

BB: Fuck off, you flaming queer! (Turns off tape, looks around furtively, leans in to HH) Alright, you can give it to me once or twice between the back flaps, but that doesn't make me a bloody nancy boy, OK?