The Romantic Redneck

A piece I wrote inspired by Darlene's Advice for Sorry Single Chicks, but not released until now....

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You’re young, good-lookin’, brainy, and you’ve got a good job bootin’ sheep up the bum at the farm. But somehow you can’t find a good-lookin’ chick to make that commitment to jump into the bed with you for a one-night stand.

But never fear, Tim is ‘ere, and he’s goin’ to give you all the stuff you ever need to know about winnin’ the women in

The Rednecks Guide to Romance

Chapter 1) Compliments

Now the first thing you’ve got to know about sheilas is that they’re absolutely in love with themselves. They love gettin’ good stuff said about them. So if you want to get that hot chick in the sack, you’ve got to remember to treat ‘er right an’ say the right stuff round ‘er. Here are some of the things you can compliment ‘er on:

Hair

Chicks change their hairstyle more often than most blokes change their underwear. Thing is, they change their hair to get noticed, while the only reason a bloke ever changes his underwear is if it’s so smelly that it gets noticed.

So rule one, mate – if you want to bed the babe, notice the hair.

Possible Drawbacks:

You’ve got to be careful with sheilas, they get offended about some weird-arse stuff. Like once I had this really beaut one on the go, real prize-ewe stuff, you know? And I commented one day when she got a new hairstyle. Turns out she had Leukemia and was going through chemotherapy. I couldn’t have known, of course, but she’s never talked to me since. A bit harsh, but that’s what chicks are like.

Clothing

Chicks and blokes are different, see? Chicks, their aim in life is to put clothes on; as for blokes, their aim is to take the clothing off (the chicks, that is)*. The way to do this is easy: say that she looks great in that dress, and you’re bound to get some of the action later. Dunno why this works, but it does.

Possible Drawbacks:

As usual, there are a couple of exceptions. You shouldn’t mention a chicks clothing at places like

- The swimming pool or the beach

- An exotic dancing nightclub

I’ve no idea why.

Brains

Let’s face it, in this day and age of sexual liberation, chicks are people too. Plus, not all of them are top-lookers, and though there are plenty of fish in the top-paddock, you can’t expect to shoot a wallaby every time.

Anyway, the point I’m gettin’ at is that sheilas get FULLY HOT if you mention their intellect. Deadset! Give it a go, you’ll see I’m right. The thing is, if a chick’s got a huge set of knockers but no brains at all, what fun would that be? You’ve got to acknowledge their brains too, mate! Try these compliments on for size:

1) “Cor, love what you’ve done with your cerebellum!”

2) “What a bewdy of a cortex you ‘ave there!”

3) “Gawd, that’s a gorgeous set of frontal lobes!”

Possible Drawbacks: Make sure you know the chick you’re talking about. My mate Jake once told a chick that he really liked the relative balancing of her neural synapses. Turns out she was a brain surgeon, and she gets that sort of stuff all the time from the guys at work. She was hopin’ he’d cop a look at her tits.

2) Be Original

There’s nothin’ that makes a chick more hot to trot, ready to take your cake and make the magic mao, than creativity. So fellers, be a bit original, think outside the square, and the sheilas are sure to love it! Try these suggestions for starters:

Become a Lesbian

If a chick won’t go out with you as a straight guy, maybe that’s because she’s a lesbian? You’re an open-minded, modern type of guy – so why not give Lesbianality a go? Pretty soon you’re bound to be rollin’ in offers from all those sheila-Lesbians out there!

Possible Drawbacks:

Some people* reckon that you have to be a poofter to be a lesbian. An’ after all, would you really want to take it up the cakehole just to be with a chick? I mean, chicks are nice an’ all, but that’s just goin’ too far!

But no worries, mate. Turns out you’re let off the hook. I mean, think about it: lesbians go to bed with women; poofters go to bed with other guys. So really, Lesbianility and Poofterism are two different things.

Ask Her to Marry You

All women are romantics at heart. So they’ll say yes to a smart, ‘andsome, bewdiful, rich (well – not quite) guy like you straight away. The great thing about marriage is – as one doctor once showed – you get the good stuff five-nights a day, eight weeks a month, an’ more on weekends.

Possible Drawbacks:

The wife might refuse to give you the rumpy-pumpy. But then, marriages are so short nowadays that they usually end pretty quickly. Just look at those well-known women, like Britney Spears – doesn’t take ‘em long to split up, does it?

3) Dating Etiquette

You’ve heard the saying, right? ‘Wine ‘er, dine ‘er, Sixty-nine ‘er!’ Well, sorry to say mate – it isn’t as simple as that. It’s one thing to ask a chick out to a date, it’s another thing to do the date right.

Take Her Somewhere Special

She ain’t gonna be impressed if you just take ‘er out to the local pub and have a coupla drinks. No – a night out has got to be fun, special, somethin’ she’s gonna remember for at least a day! Try these suggestions:

1) Roo-shootin’ with the mates

2) Rabbit-shootin’ with the occasional bit of roo-shootin’ mixed in

3) Wombat-shootin’, or a bit of rabbit-shootin’ and roo-shootin’ if the wombat’s ain’t comin’ out.

Possible Drawbacks: Make sure the chick ain’t a vegetarian, otherwise she’ll probably want to be taken out to a protest or somethin’ like that, and those things are never any fun.

*Except for my mate Bob, who for some reason likes to get dressed up in his Aunty Jasmine’s black ballgown whenever she’s not around and dance about singing ‘Y – M – C – A’. Sometimes I worry about him.

*By ‘some people’, I mean ‘my mate Bob’. Dunno what he reckons makes him so smart, but he’s a nice guy an’ all, so there you go.