Sunday, August 14, 2005

The Chocolate Review

Since there have been a few comments about the matter of chocolates and sweets in the previous post, I thought I would settle this matter once and for all.


What it is
Delicious chocolate that will easily fit in your mouth.

How to eat it
There are a number of theories about this, and in fact, I maintain that there is no 'right' way to eat Freddo, just a number of 'different' ways. Here are a few:

1) Decapitate him with the first neat slice of your teeth and finish him off with your second and third bites.
2) Start at his feet and eat upwards, as if he is 'sinking' into your mouth, at the same time, imagining his froggy cries of anguish as he disappears down your throat. Make him 'cry' before he 'croaks'!
3) Working on alternate sides of his body, take his arms off one by one, then his legs, then his head, leaving a small portion of stomach for last.

The Verdict
Freddo is absolutely and without doubt the best chocolate ever invented.


What it is
A try-hard imitation of Freddo. The Koala is filled with gooey, sickly-sweet caramel as a means of enticing the children and improving on the chocolatey goodness of Freddo.

How to eat it
All children would be prudent to avoid this cheap imitation. Throw it in the bin, or donate it to the Salvation Army, who Know What To Do With Such Things.

The Verdict
People who think you can 'improve' on Freddo by adding caramel to the mix are the same sort of people who think you can 'improve' on the Crown Jewels by painting them with a coat of Larry's Lacquer. They should be shot.


What it is
An egg, made out of chocolate.

How to eat it
Actually, you don't eat it for most of the year. Then, when Easter comes around, you consume vast quantities of it. This might sound greedy. But apparently it says in the Bible somewhere that this is completely fine, or something.

The 'large egg', actually a hollow chocolate easter egg with maybe a little something inside. (Status: ACCEPTABLE.)
The 'hollow chocolate bunny'. (Status: VERGING ON THE RIDICULOUS.)
The caramel-filled easter egg. (Refer to comments re: Caramello Koala)

The Verdict
A fine seasonal meal.


What it is
Black-straps of ... something that you can walk about chewing for ages and ages.

How to eat it
Grasp one end in your teeth, and the other in your hands, hold tight, and pull. Have a tug of war with yourself. A decent liquerish strap will last for hours, perhaps days.

Other things to do with it
You may not be allowed to play with your food, but you can certainly play with your sweets. Liquerish straps are excellent for whipping the other kids, lassoing, tying up the teacher*, and many other activities.

Liquerish comes in two main types:
1) The Twisty variety
2) The flat, corrugated variety

Both are more than acceptable. Of late, a crude third variant has been introduced, the chocolate covered liquerish strap. This is a vile slur on the good name of liquerish and should be eradicated from the earth.**

I want one right now.


What it is

Chocolate-covered rectangles of golden honeycomb.

How to eat it
There are two commonly accepted ways:
1) 'Peel' the Violet Crumble with your teeth, biting the chocolate away from the sides before chewing the honeycomb within.
2) Eating the Violet Crumble whole.

I favour the 'peeling' method myself.

Violet Crumble can also come in handy bite-size cubes, excellent for furtive snacks.

Other variants:
1) Home Brand Chocolate Honeycomb (Status: CHEAP IMITATION)
2) Crunchie (Status: EXPENSIVE IMITATION. The honeycomb tastes like nothing more than sugared sponge.)
3) Ferrero Rocher (Status: The posh version of Violet Crumble)

Stick with the original, and best.***


What it is

A chocolate and coconut wheel.

How to eat it
Never having been an enthusiastic eater of the Golden Rough, I will defer to the experts for suggestions.

Other uses
May double up as a discus!

Chocolate and coconuty goodness.


What it is

Small chocolate disks covered in a hard, but brittle coloured candy.

How to eat it

1) One by one.
2) Take a combination of different coloured Smarties at the same time, relishing the 'cocktail' effect.
3) 'Drink' the smarties from the packet, by tipping it up and emptying it into your mouth. In this way, the Smarties can make a satisfying liquid refreshment while fulfilling your chocolate-cravings, at the same time!
Each of these methods have their merits.

1) M & Ms - Smarties with letters on them. (Status: ACCEPTABLE)
2) Jaffas - chocolate balls with a red brittle candy coating. (Status: UNACCEPTABLE. The people who eat Jaffas are old enough to be your father, in fact, they probably are your father. Avoid them.)

Other uses
Smarties also make excellent bullets for playground battles, and are therefore an essential item in every schoolkids armoury. ****

Excellent things.

* Often while pelting them with chocolate eggs.

** See also 'Liquerish Allsorts', cubes which are made of alternating layers of liquerish and coloured candy. Wonderful.

*** See also Cherry Ripe, Mars Bars, and other common chocolate snacks.

**** Little boys, take note: Smarties may also be tipped down the back of a little girls skirt with great effect. Don't tell them I told you that, though.


Vikki said...

This post is so good, I have to let it "sit" with me until I can come up with a response worthy of it.

Marty said...

While I don't wish to criticise you for spending your afternoon analysing various kinds of confectionary, I must advise that I do personally prefer my philosophy on this matter: It's all good.

Also, is it not "licorice"?

Rachy said...

if you throw Smarties down my skirt I'll put deep heat in your jocks!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
some wine guzzling libertarian from Melbourne said...

woohoo SPAM!

Nabakov said...

Here's a joke to told to me by my seven year old godson.

"What are hundreds and thousands?"
"No, I give up Oscar. What are hundreds and thousands?"
"Smarties poos!"

TimT said...

I'll be happy if this post just makes you all want to go out and buy chocolate.

Licorice, liquorish, liquerish - it's all good!

At first I thought Deep Heat was some weird kind of Lithuanian sweet, then I googled it, and ... ooer.

Nabakov, your nephew sounds like a bit of a smartie-poo himself! And I do mean that nicely.

Guy said...

Golden Roughs are the business. But it all depends on how keen on you are with chocolate and coconut together in one food thing.

Never been a big fan of Violet Crumbles or Crunchies. The honeycomb:chocolate ratio is far too high for it to make for a rewarding confectionary experience.

Rachy said...

at one of secondary schools that I attended I remember seeing some guy sneak into another guy's schoolbag at a swimming carnival and smear the stuff all over his DJs... I tried to find the guy to warn him, but when I saw him running around screaming a few minutes later I realised I was too late. I've never heard such a terrifying scream.

Anyhow, it is rather unfortunate, but I developed an intolerance to lactose after my injury and now I can't stand eating the stuff. One of my German friend's sent me some German chocolate recently that I can't eat and I don't have the heart to tell her, so how about I bring that chocolate to grogblogging?

TimT said...


Ja, Fräulein Croucher, das ist ein sehr WUNDERVOLLER Vorschlag!

(For some reason, Babelfish wouldn't tell me how to translate 'arrrrrrrrrghle' ...)

rachy said...

kein Problem, ich werde sie jedenfalls mitnehmen!

viagra online said...

A lot of people think that eating chocolates is unhealthy so current studies have experimented with different kind of chocolates and they've found a many benefits in that.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive