"Mr. Darcy stood up and crossed the room, it seemed, for no other reason than to walk back again."*
Yesterday, I saw some of Emma. Now, I may have only come in in the closing scenes, but I counted:
- 1 Dramatic Crossing of The Room
- 4 Thoughtful Wanders Through The Garden
- 2 Sudden Turnings of the Back
- 6 Meaningful Inclinations of The Head (2 to the left, 4 to the right)
- 1 Impassioned Clutching of Anothers Arm
- And a stunning 29 Heaving Bosoms!**
Add this to the English Country Garden-style scenery, and a cloyingly cliched musical score, which seemed to consist of a harpist plucking sylvan chords while a clarinet noodled away over the top and a string orchestra burbled away in the background.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like Jane Austen. And, when I say don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong; I may like Jane Austen, but I am amazingly uninterested in romantic fiction. It's just that Jane Austen takes the piss out of it so perfectly. But, really, what's so interesting about this version of Austen? I half expected the love interest, one John Knightley, to confess to Emma at the end of the film, "Tragically, I was gelded at birth."
It didn't happen.
Anyway, in my version of a Jane Austen, things would happen a bit differently:
- Emma Would Step in a Mud Puddle;
- Fanny Price and Maryanne Dashwood would indulge in indoor Lesbian antics;
- The Lady Catherine De Bourgh would die one day in church when a pipe organ fell on her;
- Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy would JUST HAVE SEX ALREADY;
- Mr Knightley would wake up one morning to find that he had leprosy and his legs had fallen off;
- And Frank Churchill would steal a blunderbuss from the Woodhouses residence, become a highwayman, then later join up with Jonathan Wild.
And the music? I'd have the clarinet, harp, and violin combination replaced with Tuba, cymbals, and bagpipes. Just for fun.
*Just a paraphrase. I don't have my copy of Pride and Prejudice with me, so I can't check the quote. Incidentally, I got that copy at the bottom of a mildewed old box which I found in a back shed at my old flat in Annandale.
**That's at least one more than you'd expect!
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2016 (68)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- ► 2010 (288)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- Breaking News: My Blogroll Not Updated
- A Letter From a Letter
- Borders of Reality
- Just One Sleep to Beertime
- You Want the Tooth? You Can't Handle the Tooth!
- Type Like The Wind
- How to be a Workin' Schmo.
- Lady Luck, Lady Schmuck
- A Leopard
- The Worlds in Plurals
- The Chocolate Review
- A Helpful Letter
- Corsets in Dorset
- A Biscuit Story
- An Outrageous Falsehood
- Grogbloghogfloglogblog blog
- Notes For A Musical
- The Glasses
- Sextra Sensory Perception
- Thought For The Day
- Whacky Amputation Stories!
- Alternative Rhymes for Country Music Singers
- Insightful Marty
- The Adventures of Blindman #3
- Games That You Should Never Play
- ▼ August (26)