Wednesday, August 31, 2005

A Letter From a Letter

Because why should Vague have all the fun?

Dear you,

Hi! I'm F! You might remember me from such words as 'fraggle', frump', 'fiftieth', 'flange', 'often', 'indefatigable' and 'ineffable'!

Me on my summer holidays. Do you like the way I have my hair?

Now I'm sure it might sound to you like my life is all fun and frivolity, but that's not the case. In fact, lately, I've been wondering - what's the point? Why am I here? Why me? Why am I asking this at all? Why? Why?

I mean, think about it. I'm not like my neighbour E, a show-off if there ever was one. Not only is he the most commonly-used letter in the English language, but he also has a mathematical constant named after him!
And I'm not crude and vulgar, like my sister A. No shame with that girl - she's the first letter in the alphabet, and she'll take all comers!
Then again, I'm not exotic, like that floozy V. (Yeah, I'm talking about you, V. You start the word 'Vanity' for a reason!)
And Q - that Q - yeah, he might be amusing and good for a bit of a laugh. Oh, he appears in all the popular words, like 'Quid' and 'Quack' and 'Squib' and 'Quiddity' and 'Quagmire' and 'Queen' and 'Aquaman'; not to mention 'Quern', 'Quill', 'Quail', 'Quiquaequod' and 'Quaquaversal'. But when you need a useful word, he's nowhere to be seen!

Nope. I'm just an ordinary, boring old letter. Nothing at all important about me. I might get to make a cameo appearance in the occasional, minor preposition. And I've appeared in a few important algebraic equations - I don't mind saying. But really - why should I bother?

There are mornings when I wake up and stare across the vista of the alphabet, wondering ... I look out over the ovular contours of G; across the humps of H, and the egotistic spike of I - right down to the far horizon, where W and Z reside. They glimmer brightly in the distance, beckoning me. And I wonder - are there other letters out there, yet to be discovered?
Are we really alone as letters? Is it just me and 25 others? Or is there an infinity of letters out there to be discovered?
I remember one of you humans once wrote a novel omitting use of the letter E. That seems to me to be a pointless waste of the resources of language. Shouldn't you be out there, breaking new ground, discovering new letters, new resources? If you have new letters, then surely you would be able to put me and my brothers and sisters in new, exciting, exotic combinations of words hitherto unused.

I don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm giving up. From now on, I'm resigning my place in the alphabet. I'm sick of being a letter.

From now on, I'm going out into the wide, wide world. I'll see if I can get a job. I'm sure there are plenty of things the letter F can do. Maybe I can work as a tree. Or a walking stick. As you might say, I'm fucking off.

Yours aithully,



Rachy said...

I remember when I was little I always wanted to invent a new letter or a new sound, so I used to go on long walks examining everything I came across and giving everything a new name with a weird sound... but I could relate every darned sound I made to the alphabet... Uck

V said...

Are you calling me a floozy? Vanity, fine. But what about verity, virginity, vulnerability? Watch out; I can be volatile.

P.S. My friend Vague is teaching a book without the letter E this year. Scrw E, who nds him?

TimT said...

That's actually quit an intrsting xrcis, writing a sntnc and taking out all the "e's." Thn you lt popl put thm bck in, as thy s fit.

For instanc, at first I rad that last sntnc lik this:

Screw E, who ends him?

F said...

Thanks or all your nice comments. One of my ormer riends, Dr Seuss, wrote an interesting book called 'On Beyond Zebra', listing all the letters ater 'Z'. I recommend you all read it.

And hello V. So nice to see you again. Still hanging out with all your old friends - Voldemort and Vader? Don't worry ... when you get tired with them, you can always get a diVorce ...

Rachy said...

the letter -F doesn't appear even once in my first comment to this post... I will work on escaping from the evil clutches of -E

Rachy said...

your hair looks mighty purty! (the pic only started working today)

f said...

Why, thankyou! (Tosses hair) For some reason the other picture wouldn't come up, but I managed to dig up another that works better!

A said...

So you finally stopped using Pantene like I suggested eh? I did tell you it has two whole -E's in it... but you didn't listen did you? No you didn't. I bet you are whoring yourself to Sunsilk now. Hussy. You could have supported family and used Vo5 Ultra.

And you've got the nerve to call ME crude. Hmph.*crosses arms and raises nose in the air*

I'm telling Mum on you.

Nick and Nora Charles said...

F don't go!

The world needs you. think of all the fabulous words that need you. Like fabulous, fantastic, fun, fragrant, faithful, FREE.

Besides, how would it have been if Clark Gable had said: "Rankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn."

-- Nick and Nora

Email: timhtrain - at -

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