Review

Caz commented a couple of posts back about my habit of leaving crucial details out when I write film reviews. As it turned out, I missed the rather heavy sarcasm in her comments, but still, it was a good point. So now, as a public service, I thought I'd write the perfect film review. Or, to put it another way, I thought I'd offer my readers a chance to write the perfect film review while I sit back and not write a thing.

The film StuffHollywood Blockbuster Trilogy - in Four Parts!The Bloodening on Hampstead HeathThe Anorexic Waifs go to Hawaii is a mediocrean amazinga gut-wrenchingly provocativea coruscating examination of whateverconsumerismthe physics of blowing up lots of stuffpost-existential decadence. It has been releasedhit screens to rave reviews across the worldbrought the heads of nations to tearsshocked, horrified, disgusted, and been seen repeatedly by all the wrong people, and is now doing bugger-allset to win the ultimate prizecollecting obscure eastern European film-awardsthe number-one hit in correctional centres from one side of Siberia to the other.

Starring peopleRalph, the performing labradoodle!your mum's bumseveral Paris Hilton lookalikes, who you may remember from such films as ThingoMasturbation: the wonder years.Marzipan of the ApesKing Matzoh and the Brain-eaters!, it is perfect for not-very interesting peoplethe whole family!that vital psychopathic demographic in your class-roomcommunists and Nazis alike.

Sequels of this film will be coming to your local cinema hopefully neveryesterday.just as soon as we can get this welfare deposit to our local mafia bossright away, now we just need to get this cheque through from our Coca-Cola branch...

Five stars is five stars too many.
Screening in all shithouse good cinemas now.