Sunday, May 18, 2008

The blurst of all possible worlds


- Two hooded assailants yesterday stopped a man in the street and held him captive at daisy-point while they patted his dog. This has been only one in a series of pat-and-run incidents recently. Police are appealing for witnesses to the crime to come forward.

- A notorious grandmother was spotted by witnesses this morning viciously watering her Azaleas in Coburg. Those nearby report her shouting softly to the victims, "There there! That's all right! Isn't that lovely?"
"It was terrible!" reports a neighbour. "She waters her Azaleas every day. Not too much, and not too little. It's the most savage thing I've ever seen anyone do!"
The Azaleas are currently assisting police with their inquiries. When questioned by this paper, they bloomed uncontrollably at mention of the crime.

- Juvenile undelinquency is on the rise, with reports from all over the city of unsupervised gangs of youths going on good-deed-doing rampages - raking footpaths, cleaning windows, and helping little old ladies across the street. Amidst widespread outbreaks of law and order, the police have called for calm.
The Premier, John Brumby, has stated that it is time for parents to do more to combat the shocking rise in juvenile undelinquency statistics. "Give them more M rated videos to watch, for instance. Violent video games are also good. Oh, and why not help them find websites that are unsuitable for their age? And maybe a spray can on their birthday - that should work." Mr Brumby says that it just calls for "a little creative parenting", and that it is the responsibility of "mums and dads all around the state" to assist children on the path to juvenile delinquency.
However, for those people with their windows freshly cleaned, their paths newly raked, and their dogs recently walked, it's already too late.


Paco said...

What can we, as citizens, do to stop this non-crime wave?

TimT said...

I strongly believe it starts with good parenting. Remember to give your children school lunches with lots of wrapping, as it gives them more to litter with. And don't forget to correct them if you catch them saying 'please' and 'thank you' at the table. Remember, bad manners is the foundation of modern life! Anti-social activities like nose-picking are also to be encouraged.

We are all responsible for the irresponsibility of the next generation - and that's what we all want!

TimT said...

Then again, all is not lost, as the youth of America demonstrate.

Mitzi G Burger said...

Those poor azaleas. Speaking of Blooming, why not venture to Glebe for Bloomsday? Mitzi has all the invitation info you need next door in Facebookland.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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