Monday, September 14, 2009


Horoscopes for Mindless Microscopic Amorphous Watery Gelatinous Amoebaic Blobs
(The most specifically and generally accurate horoscope in the world!)

The future is dim, grey, and murky. Each day will pass much like the other one.

The future is dim, grey and murky. You will encounter a meaningless meeting or parting with another formless, colourless blob. Good one!

Those born under the sign of Gemini, the twins, often find themselves at times of significant emotional or intellectual dischord, which they must overcome to move forward into a new and brighter future. Not you, though. You don't have an intelligence or emotions to be dischordant in the first place. The future is dim, grey and murky.

The days ahead will be watery and unclear, beyond which lie gloomy and shadowy events of a colourless nature, in a grimy and musty backdrop. Events in general will be dim, grey and murky.

You will meet, part with, or not stand in any particular relation to, another formless colourless blob who you may or may not have been at some point in your dim, grey and murky past.

The future is dim, grey, and murky, and since you do not have a mind, it will leave you in two lack-of-minds about how to proceed with your next month. With luck, more dim, grey murkiness will lie ahead.

You will have an encounter with a few random strands of DNA and RNA that are far too complex for your puny mindlessness to comprehend. The future is dim, grey and murky. Wallow in it.

You have tail feathers, like paddling around and quacking a lot, you eat flies and small insects, and the future is watery, but not particularly grey and murky. You are not actually a mindless microscopic amorphous watery gelatinous amoebic blob at all, you are a duck. Get your own publication, schmuck.

The future is dim, grey, murky, and rather acidic. You have just been swallowed by a toad with particularly fierce gastric juices, and you will not live to see another day. Goodbye.

Look! Over there! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a particularly detailed reproduction of the Mandelbrot Set? No, it's just another blob that would in some ways look to some people like some of those things if they were able to see things from your eyes. Not you, though, since you don't have eyes or a mind. The future is dim, grey and murky.

The future is particularly blobby. Your prospects are on the up.

Guess which adjectives feature heavily in your future? That's right. Dim. Grey. Murky. Continue luxuriating in the general slushy gloopy gloppiness of it all, because that's all you're going to get.


nailpolishblues said...

Oh fuck, I'm a duck?

Actually, that might explain some things.

TimT said...

You should count yourself lucky, according to this horoscope, the rest of us are just mindless blobs floating around in a sea of insignificance.

If you see any strange men wearing large white hats, waddle for your life, they probably want to turn you into a duck l'orange.

Caz said...

After all this time you've finally figured out that I devote every Friday blog post to you Nails.



Timmy - happy 32 years for tomorrow!

Hip hip, yap yap, hooray hooray, henry henry!!!!!!!!

May all your candles burn brightly and may all your birthday wishes come back to haunt you, err, I mean that in a good way.

Look out for random strands of DNA and RNA, they tend to fall from open windows, on the left.


TimT said...

Thank you! I look forward to many many years of dim, grey blurriness to come!

I would type more, but the random DNA and RNA strands floating around the office might ask what I'm doing.

nailpolishblues said...

Caz, I was busy ducking about in denial and didn't notice. I shall now, of course.

Tim, I have always been aware that everyone else was just 'mindless blobs floating around in a sea of insignificance'. For some reason most blobs considered me arrogant for thinking it. Thank you for setting the record straight.

Dan the VespaMan said...

The protozoa of the world appreciate your efforts Tim. They have so little to live for and I can't blame them for curling up into a ball and secreting a protective membrane in the current environment.

TimT said...

I will always be proproto, not antiproto. Protozoa, ahoy!

vague said...

OH NO! I've been swallowed by a toad! (On the positive side, I guess I can't be expected to grade papers in here.)

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Hippo Birdy, Timty!

TimT said...

Thanks for the Hippo Birdy wishes Baron. It's the nicest Hippo Birdy anyone has ever given me.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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