Sunday, October 11, 2009

Cranky old man who lives in my head

I have a cranky old man who lives in my head, in case you hadn't guessed. He's waiting until I actually get old, when he will actually become me, and he will have an even crankier, even older man living inside his head shouting swear words at him. I can't wait for that to happen. Anyway, here's what he had to say while roaming the aisles of Target this afternoon: 

(Observing the men's watches) "Ridiculous. Stupid. Useless. Redundant. I don't want to wear any of these. And they call these men's watches! "

(Seeing a slim woman's belt) "What on earth are all these little square button things for? I don't like it."   

(Spotting a green plate shaped like a leaf) "Ha! That one will be in the antique stores in a month or two. Straight to the Sallies for you." 

(Reading a label) "Contemporary bedding? What the hell is this contemporary bedding? Who needs to sleep on a contemporary bed? I mean, this is just such rubbish. When bedding myself, my needs are very simple: a blanket, a mattress, and a pillow. What sort of sleeping person worries if the bed enabling their sleeping is contemporary?" 

And so the cranky old man who lives in my head and myself trundled along home to look for a crossword to fill out. (He knows all about cross words, too, you see.)


Dan the VespaMan said...

Perhaps that cranky old man in your head is your mentor. Listen and learn your lessons well.

I'm aspiring to be an official grumpy old man one day. I keep having attacks of optimism and tolerance though so I think I have some way to go.

Initially NO said...

I have a drunk nineteen year old emo girl with terrets, who hangs around like a ripped stocking. She swears by and with everything.

TimT said...

We should invite them all to a party together and watch them all not get along.

Mitzi G Burger said...

This reminds me of some Drama Teacher activities: tap into the unspoken thoughts of the grumpy character. Put the Grumpy together with the Cheerful and the Bossy and observe their interactions.

Tim, your inner old man's observation of the leaf-shape plate sounded spot on. I see platters and stuff like that at the Cat Protection Society op shop. Superfluous kitchen accoutrements still hold a strange sway over me, so I will listen well to your inner Grump for sound advice.

Steph said...

What's scarier, I think I have a cranky old MAN in my head too.
I hate everything and everyone in equal measure. The end.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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