Sunday, January 10, 2010

Could this be the most pathetically ordinary person in the world?

The Daily Schmuckraker
Believe it or not, life's not all sex scandals, murder, war, muck-raking, necrophilia, greed, cash-digging, and gigantic flashy shiny towers. Studies performed by the mainstream media reveal that many individuals lead a life of such humdrum banality that they don't even make the midday news.

And it's just possible that the most humdrum and banal of them all could be this man. His name is Wilfrid Fleng, and he lives in Cabramatta, Sydney.

A boring man

While celebrities lead a life of fantastic gaudiness, snorting gold dust and coke off the prosthetically enhanced tits of bronzed transexual nubians, Mr Fleng lists his interests as television, cricket, and gardening.

Indeed, the details of Fleng's existence are so tiresomely ordinary that we would not even be repeating them now except to highlight the fabulous contrast with the live's of beautiful celebrities, who fill our media everyday with their hilarious hijinks, affairs, zillion dollar divorces, rapes, and so forth.

Pitifully, Fleng has not any rapes or sex scandals to detail in his sordidly uneventful history, and therefore has not been noticed, which is the worst thing that could have happened to him.

Also, while the Arabs recently erected the tallest building in the world in Dubai, thus proving their ability to make significant achievements in the areas of gigantic phallic symbols with flashing lights on them, the highest thing that Fleng has ever erected in his life has been his backyard shed.

More boring men

Clearly, something should be done now to make the horrendously dull and disgustingly ordinary lives of millions of people less horrendously dull and disgustingly ordinary, starting with people like Wilfrid Fleng. Over the weeks and months to come, the Daily Schmuckraker will be doing its best to bring sordid sex affairs, death, murder, and scandal into the otherwise pathetic and uninteresting life of people like Fleng. It's the least we can do.

The Daily Schmuckraker returns tomorrow with our regular feature: genetically modified anuses of the rich and famous.


Dan the VespaMan said...

They say it's the quiet one's you need to look out for. Perhaps by day Fleng is a mild mannered gardener, but by night he's...... yeah OK he's probably asleep at night.

... anyway, what was that about sex scandals??

TimT said...

Goodness gracious me, young feller me lad, isn't sex scandalous enough for ye?

nailpolishblues said...

What's scandalous about sex?

This modern prudery troubles me.

I'm pretty sure I'm the most boring person in the world, where's my article?

TimT said...

Being judgmental gives people pleasure. So if they can be judgmental about sex, they can expect to be extra judgmental about the stuff that celebs get up to.

There's a recent-ish bar in North Melbourne called The Prudence bar, but I'm pretty sure that what they get up to in there isn't particularly prudish at all, just the same old sex-drink cocktail that goes on at most hip bars.

phil said...

That looks suspiciously like an entract in the Upper Class Twit of the Year Race, and if I could be arsed turning the house upside down to find my Monty Python Big Red Papperbok, I could tell you which one.

But I can't be arsed, so instead I will say frindewo to you in the wv box.

phil said...

"entract" = a person who enters a Greatest Alimentary Canal Of the Year competition.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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