"C___ F___ shows her Second Life persona.... She built a virtual home but wasn't happy with her neighbour." - LA Times, Thursday, February 22, 2007.
Xalquod the 4th Speaks:
She wasn't happy with me? Well! She's got a nerve! Let me tell you, when I first came here, this was a nice little corner of virtual reality - a peaceful cyberplace where you could raise your cyber-children, grow a little cyber-garden, and they had a happy little cyber-Fairy-party every Sunday.
It was when C___ moved in that things really started going wrong. She seemed pleasant and polite, but I really started getting suspicious when she began to hold virtual battles with Klingons and Cardacians at odd hours of the night. I mean, there is a time and place for that kind of thing - not here, and not now! Of course, I had a word with her straight away about that. She apologised and promised to keep things quiet; and we were happy for about a month.
But then, quite suddenly one night, I was woken up at midnight, and found that my neighbour was firing a multi-nuclear warhead, with inbuilt biological warfare capacities, right into the living room of myt house! It was a good thing I had just that week had an Ultra-cyber-shield installed, or things could have got really ugly.
I'm a firm believer in peace and goodwill: so the very next day, I went over to C___'s virtual house with a box of chocolates and a 'Let's Be Friends' card. Not only did she refuse to let me in, she told me that "She had declared War on my evil empire and was determined to end my reign by the use of Fire, Flood, Famine, Pestilence, Death, and Hacking." It was intolerable!
Later that afternoon, when I logged on again, I discovered that she had sent a legion of Undead Zombies to my house and they were in the process of eating my brains! It was just like the old days, when I used to comment on left-wing blogs!
I'm absolutely fed up with this. I've tried to explain to my neighbour, repeatedly, that this is a Virtual Utopian community, dedicated to peace, love, and sustainability - not the real world. The next time she wants to send an army of Undead Zombies to eat her neighbour's brains out, she should do it in the real word - not the virtual world. This type of thing has consequences, man, consequences!
NEXT WEEK: Telos Meets Skaro in a Real Virtual Life Love Story! He was a cyber-Dalek, I was a virtual-Cyberman. Could we ever reconcile our very real fictional differences in the name of true internet love?
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
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