Several Unlikely Uses For a Ballerina

I'm not an entirely uncultured slob. I know never to eat my potatoes with just a knife, even if I'm really hungry; and that I shouldn't blow my nose on cafeteria serviettes unless I'm outside the cafe. That's why this afternoon I went to the San Francisco opera house to see the ballet. If you're unfamiliar with the word, let me fill you in - the word has a silent 't', so it doesn't rhyme with - say:

"This rendition of the terpsichorean arts has left me so mad that I want to smash some heads in with my mallet!"

But it does rhyme with:

"Mrs Frobisher had a delightful afternoon at her chalet"

Or:

"She spent an extravagant amount of time there with Jesmond, her valet."

Basically, the ballet is an art where the blokes wear clothes that are too tight and keep on throwing themselves into the air and at walls; and the women keep on putting as many limbs into the air as possible until they have no more to put in the air, and then gravity takes over. It's a highly-cultured, exquisite combination of extreme calisthenics, jazzercising, and several sadomasochistic bedroom arts. As such, it makes for a fine afternoon's entertainment.

Now, I know what you're saying: "Tim, the ballet is all well and good, but what use is it nowadays? What does it have to do with the price of eggs?" I'll have you know that the ballet is very useful. That's why I would like to now propose Several Unlikely Uses For a Ballerina.

1. A Ballerina would make a great female presenter on Wheel of Fortune. Every time she has to turn a couple of letters over, she could pirouette and leap to the board to the sound of Tchaikovsky or Stravinsky: it would be a game show to make Diaghilev proud.

"Can I have a P - for pirouette, please, ma'am?"

2. Seller of hot dogs.

There would be no way you could turn her down!

3. International supervillain: you have to admit it. In the heart of every lead ballerina lies a heart of evil. They're not just delicate ethereal creatures bent on spreading joy and happiness, they have just as much desire to spread death and destruction as the rest of us.

4. Pig farmer.

To be a ballerina, you need strong limbs - and coincidentally, that's exactly what you need to help a mother pig give birth to piglets. The connection is obvious.

5. High school teacher in a crime-ridden neighbourhood.

If there's anything that Hollywood films have taught us, it's that children from disadvantaged neighbourhoods can be won over - with the power of dance.