A small quote:
G - Strugidly I wimpered a restful figment. Pendulum dinged in my cleave badgery, I tamed it in horror as he eye-wiped me from the bar. I had to admit the way he flap-wassled my lychee brine gave me a twang bout the frip. A gizzly twang. I lapped a digit in suspense.
B - The band fired up about her, and she swined rimlessly to the beat, as they broke into a rendition of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity in G Minor, and as the Martine Borhmen reminded them that Minors were not allowed on the premises, they changed into a Masala Dosa in double time, and I began to Delhi-liciously Bollywood across the room toward her lascivious booths, bouncing in red leather armchair emulence, and snapping like angry mimes.
She's looking for feedback. So ...
Let's see, feedback, feedback... hmmm... okay, how about this....
First up, it's smashing, brilliant, funny, excellent, wonderful, and generally fantabulous.
Secondly, it's pretty hard offering advice about a piece like this... I mean, how to start? Criticise the spelling of 'I was clup snuppy sniding my flap wappies'? Or the grammar of 'I sauntered like a jew-fish in a pool of purple jelly through the red green vinyl rotating light'? Or the fact that technically, 'Lychee wine' doesn't scan properly? Any criticism like that is irrelevant.
That being said, how about a guest appearance? Rove McManus seems to appear in everything else nowadays, so why not in this poem? I think it should end with him being slaughtered violently to death with a blunt instrument, but that's just me.
You could probably cut a few things out, make it shorter, without really doing too much to the general meaning. Though I do like the way that it flows, the back-and-forth quality of it between you and Benito...
I would say it needs some sex and violence, but, um, it already appears to have that. Instead, I recommend that you make it even SEXIER and violenter! Also go with Adam's suggestion, work on the 'Noir' side of the equation.
It also appears to be lacking in a clear ideological standpoint on the Capitalist Exploitation of the Third World and the Imperialist Neo-con plan to take over Iraq's oil fields... which is an undoubted good thing.
Oh, and it also should have included a wide number of references to me, in a diversity of contexts, talking about my general wonderfulness.
And that's about it.