Friday, January 21, 2005

Horsing Around

I've been watching The Saddle Club on television. Don't laugh. It's actually quite an interesting show. Why are you laughing?
The fact is that it is a multifaceted program with many many rich layers of meaning and a serious ethical message for the world that we live in. Just look at some of the plots:

A valuable horse transported from France arrives at Pine Hollow but escapes into danger.
Veronica is a bitch.

Veronica's horse Garnet is kidnapped and The Saddle Club set out to solve the mystery.
Phil is really cool.
Veronica is still a bitch.

The Saddle Club befriends itinerant workers who arrive at Willow Creek with their beautiful horse Diablo.

Veronica is a bitch, ooh she's a bitch, she's a really bitchy bitch. That bitch.

Carole struggles to reconcile her feelings for Scooter when Lisa admits to her that she is in love with him.
Ashley is annoyed at Melanie.
Veronica is a bitch.

The bank is foreclosing on Pine Hollow and The Saddle Club desperately tries to find lost treasure to save it.
Veronica is a bitch.

Not only is the show strongly-plotted, but it has a thought-provoking Freudian subtext. Don't believe me? Come on...

Max has Oedipal feelings for Mrs. Reg.
Ashley is still annoyed at Melanie.
Veronica is, and remains, a bitch.

Kristi believes she was Diablo in a previous life, which would explain her erotic dreams about Garnet.
She wonders if this makes her a homosexual.
Veronica is a bitch.

Well, I believe that I have come up with the perfect Saddle-Club episode formula. Here are a few proposed saddle-club plots I'm working on; I'll send them in to the ABC shortly...

Episode 1:
A new boy comes to the Saddle Club.
His name is Adolf Hitler.
Kristi develops a crush on him, but Veronica gets in first and manages to ask him out.
Veronica finds herself in an ethically compromised position when Adolf admits to her his secret plans for world domination.
Phil masturbates.

Episode 2:
The forces of international communism threaten to send the Pine-hollow resort into bankruptcy.
Ashley finds a way to save the resort by investing in shares in a Columbian drug cartel.
Lisa goes riding a horse.
Veronica is a bitch, though she does help out by donating some of her shares in the Columbian cartel to the resort.

Episode 3:
Dorothee gets breast implants.
A horse falls sick, but nobody can work out why.
Scooter tries to snog Carole, but she tells him that she doesn't kiss people 'of his colour'.
Adolf starts a fire at the resort, and later admits to it, saying that he was practicing for 'The Reichstag'
Confronted by Max about his masturbating, Phil admits it may be becoming a problem.

Episode 4:
Someone tries to build a new development near the Pine-hollow resort.
Max is concerned that 'this high-rise development may ruin the rural character of the area, and drive some of our customers away from the Pine-hollow resort, even if it does create a couple of jobs'
Mrs. Reg buys a diesel-powered dildo made out of ol' hickory wood.
Veronica helpfully suggests that Adolf channel his urge to burn things down by burning down the new high-rise development.
Adolf complies and Veronica kisses him.
What a bitch.

Gold, all of it pure gold. Now don't you go about stealing my ideas, okay?

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