Sunday, January 23, 2005

Dear John

Letter sent to the Prime Minister of Australia.

Dear Mr. Howard,

Hello. You support the full privatisation of Telstra and I do to. You want Australia to have a strong economy and so do I. On the other hand, you have a disappointing position on Australian television networks, and don't seem to think that we need anymore.

But that is not why I am writing to you. No, I wish to contact you on a matter of grave national importance. That matter is Raquel Welch.
In the 1970s, Raquel Welch starred in what has since been described as 'The Greatest B-Grade Movie Ever', KANSAS CITY BOMBER.
Despite the box-office and critical success of this film, it has NEVER been released on VHS or DVD. Jeff, noted international conossieur and proprietor of the website Beautiful Atrocities ( has written to President George Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Senator Barbara Boxer and Senator Dianne Feinstein on this matter, but as of yet, achieved no success.
I am now writing to you, John, in the hope that you will apply your vast experience in international matters and your diplomatic talents to bring some REAL PROGRESS on this issue. I cannot impress upon you too much the urgency of this matter. While you're about it, have a word to Alexander Downer as well - I'm sure between yourselves, you and Al will be able to get things moving.

While I'm on the line to you, John, I might as well speak to you about another idea I have in mind. Have you noticed how hot it's been lately? I think it's got something to do with the Australian summer and the fact that a lot of our Great Continent lies in the tropics.
Well John, I'd like to do something about this, because I think you'd agree with me, nobody likes it to get too hot.
Here are my proposals:

1) We detach Australia from the continental plates and tug it further to the South, so that the top of Australia is pulled out of the tropics and the bottom is pulled into the Arctic zones.

2) We crop of the top parts of Australia and re-use them in the middle to create some mountains. These would make a very attractive tourist resort, and would be sure to provide a Much-needed Boost to our flagging rural businesses.

3) Rejoin Tasmania to the rest of Australia, and make it a part of NSW, thereby healing the historical rift between Taswegians and the rest of us, and taking a step on the road to reconciliation.

John, I am sure all this makes sense to you. If these proposals are undertaken, not only would hundreds of jobs be created, but Australia would be made a safe and happy place for kittens. Think of the kittens, John!

Your pal,
Received this reply:

Thank you for writing to me via e-mail. I appreciate the comments you

have made.

Although there will be no further correspondence via e-mail you may
receive a reply via Australia Post if you have supplied a postal address.

My office may also take the liberty to forward your correspondence to
other government ministers for their consideration.

Once again, thank you for your email.

Yours sincerely

John Howard
Prime Minister
*Sniff* He cares, he really really cares...


HA HA HA said...

im grateful taht somboddys adresin this isue.

id like to ofer teh folowin fatcs about diane finestine that teh media have suspicously ignored.

so enyway whan she was first alected in it was the frist elaction in calfiornia when the seals in san fnransicco bay we're alowed to voat. an they broke heavaly for ms. fienstien. hence teh sogn, 'u picked a feinstein to lead me, you seal'.

coinsadence? i thikn not!

rohndawson said...

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