Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Housecleaning Meditations

Been cleaning the house today.

You don't really notice how much dirt can accumulate in the cracks between the tiles in the shower stall until you actually clean it. But no, the closer you look you see a thriving multiculture of mould and soot and germs and mildew, all of them growing, one on top of the other. So today, I committed possible species genocide and hacked and hewed into this mini-environment in my shower stall with some wet rags, soap, and home-brand Creme Cleanser. When oh when will we multicellular mammals learn to live in harmony with our fellow bacteria and fungus? On the whole, I think it would be better if we didn't have to clean the shower stall. Much less work, too.

Did the toilet next. Actually, my toilet is pretty clean; I did it a few weeks ago. When I went down to my brother's place in Leichville two years ago, now, there was a toilet to write home about. It was the sort of toilet in which grease and dust combined with algae; the sort of toilet in which you suspected strange, supernatural, alien sentiences resided; the sort of toilet that biologists could sail down and find new forms of life hitherto unknown to man, before returning with two men down and another dying of malaria. That sort of toilet.
By contrast, my toilet is like one of the fountains of Rome, a veritable sculpture, pristine in porcelain.

Fascinating things, toilets. When my parents lived in Coolah, a frog took up residence in their toilet. When you went in to do your duty, you could hear it croaking merrily away, completely unphased what was going on above.
Perhaps if you have a toilet story, you could share it in comments.

I was thinking, while I did the sink and the stove, working around it with a knife to scrape off those tough bits of mould, how much work you do to get the bond money back. Just to please a couple of people. People! If there was one thing I would change about life, it would be people. Over the year-and-a-half that I've lived here, I've accumulated quite a lot of mess. Papers on the floor, plastic bags, that sort of a thing. But - and here's the amazing thing - I haven't noticed it at all, unless people have been around! People can be so selfish that way. I'm of the opinion that they should probably be banned, or turned into more useful or interesting things, like tasty muffins, or mantlepiece ornaments. That, or new and exciting species of mould to inhabit the cavernous cracks in the shower stall.

Except for you, of course, dear reader.


PrincessVonToasterHead said...

I Assure You The Pictures Of Men VOLUNTARILY CLEANING Are Infact Real, I Have Absolutely No Idea How To Use Photoshop. I Will However Take The Said pictures Down If They Are Making The Male Species Nervous About A Sudden Female Demanding That Males Clean Up After Themselves Type Epidemic.

I Have A Semi-Toilet Story.. My Toilet Is Clean.. For The Most Part, We Even Have 2 Different Scrub Brushes That Really Should Come With Instructions Since I Think They Are Relatively Unused Due To My Family Being Unfamiliar With Them.. But Back To The Story, I Recently Had My Bathroom Rebuilt, And There Was Excess Grout From The Re-tiling Process, Which my Ex (a professional carpenter) Proceeded To Pour Down The Toilet And Into Melbournes Waterways..Its Unknown Why He Poured The Grout Down The Toilet But I Do Know That Not All Of It Flushed, Infact Some Of It Has Remained In The Bottom Of The Bowl In A White Lump That Appears To Be Stuck.. I Have No Idea How The Grout dried and Stuck Itself To The Bottom Of The Toilet Bowl In A Few Inches Of Water ?!

Tony.T said...

I've got a cleaning lady. I'm not stupid, you know. Allows me time to read up on German military tunes.

Texas Gurl said...

I love to clean. Yeah, you read correctly. I love to clean. I love clean places. Just the way I am.
But I've got friends who are like you and are totally oblivious to dirt, grime, mold, clutter, etc. But it's their house and they may keep it anyway they like.
I love how you described cleaning as mold genecide. LOL.

TimT said...

Texas Gurl, you like to clean and I like people to clean for me... would you marry me?

sqoggle said...

A toilet story:

When I was about 3, I felt all independent and no longer needed my Mum to help me (or supervise, as I came to find she did). So I ordered her to go away, that I would have a wee wee on my own. She was in another room when I tried to lift myself off the seat onto the floor with my hands, but I fell in. While I was screaming, my Mum could not stop laughing. Here I was, a tiny child, bum in, legs and arms up.

Is that a form of neglect?

Your blog is good.

Alessandra said...

You said it... corners and cracks are the worse.

"it was fairly clean - cleaned my toilet a few weeks ago" - Eeeeek!!! 7 days at the most, my friend :-) " a few weeks ago" is *not* a fairly clean bowl... if the sin of sloth is upon you, you can just throw in a little toilet bowl cleaner, leave it awhile, before you flush. It makes it smell nicer too. but if you are boing to bother to throw in a little cleaner, you can pick up the brush right after...

But you see, neither a cleaning lady, nor doing it yourself, come even close as a cleaning solution to what the wonders of technology can bestow. Nothing in our stone age toilets begin to compare to the joys of a Japanese toilet. (running Microsoft Windows for Toilets, that is). one of the funniest stories I´ve even heard, was an American woman who went to a restroom in Japan with one of these and had no idea how they worked.

like this one:
Just as many foreigners had finally mastered the traditional Japanese "squatter" with no seat, they are being confused anew by the latest generation of Japanese toilets--super-high-tech sit-down models with a digital control panel that looks like the cockpit of a plane. The toilets basically look like a standard American model, except for the conrol panel, which sometimes comes with a clock to tell you how long you have been in the bathroom.

A young American Foreign Service officer ended up frantically wiping down a Japanese bathroom with a wad of toilet paper after he experimented with the complicated toilet keypad. He didn't have a clue about how to flush the toilet so he just started pushing buttons. He hit the noisemaker button that makes a flushing sound to mask any noise you might be making in the john. He hit the button that starts the blow-dryer for your bottom. Then he hit the bidet button and watched helplessly as a little plastic arm, sort of a squirt gun shaped like a toothbrush, appeared from the back of the bowl and began shooting a stream of warm water across the room and onto the mirror.

drivenwide said...

I don't recommend house cleaning the way I did it, but there are ways to do it that are more consumer oriented. Most of my favorite tools for that are in my sidebar. Before doing house-cleaning I always suggest a good backup of your system. The rule of thumb is to never go longer without a backup than you would want to spend restoring what you lost. As a start, I would recommend CCleaner (Crap Cleaner). It's more house-cleaning than anti-adware, but house-cleaning helps too. It works easily and reliably. The main warning I would give is to think twice before losing your cookies. Cookies make it easy for web sites you've visited to know who you are so you don't have to log in again.

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