Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Extracts From the Journals of a Minor Comic Poet

(With apologies to Ogden. I think he would have got the joke)


Is dandy
But brandy
Is dandier.

Nope, not there yet.


P.B. Shelley once said that poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. That's all well and good, but what about our poor legislators? Who cares for them? I say: Legislators are the unacknowledged poets of this world! Eh? Eh? How do you like that?


Mulled wine
Is fine
And candy
Is dandy too.

No, still not there.


I was at a party the other day, and who should come up to me but a brain surgeon who happens to be in the papers at the moment? He said to me then, "So, you're a writer, eh? Well, I think I've got a book in me - what do you think about that?" But I had a reply ready. "So," I said then cheerfully, ""You're a brain surgeon, eh? Well, I think I've got a brain in me!" That showed him!
Later I had a rocket scientist come up to me and say the same thing. "They tell me you're a writer. Well, pal, I've got a book in me!" But that didn't worry me! I immediately snapped back, "Well, it just so happens I don't think you're that clever. I think tomorrow I'll have a go at your job. After all, it's not rocke... oh."
I really must stop going to parties, it depresses me so.


The candy
Was dandy
But the bar man lacked
Some Armagnac.

No, no good.


People ask me, why do I write poetry? I tell them, it's for the children! It's for the looks of joy smeared over their grubby little faces when they discover poetry for the first time! Or at least a hint of a smile. Something, anyway! Although, to be honest, chocolate does a better job at getting smiles on their faces than poetry. Or possibly chocolate-coloured prozac. I know this from painful experience and a process of trial and error with my own children.
If you would like to contact your local parents and teachers committee, I am available to speak at schools.


Is dandy
But champagne is a paygne
Riesling does not go with geeslings
Chardonnay is ghey
Hock is a crock

Fucking hell!


There are, of course, those who would claim that poetry is worthless. I mock them! I spurn them, as the lowly inhabitants of earth are spurned by some God or minor deity! The poet is a figure of vaulting, Promethean passions, of Titanic ambition,

Who will attain
The very brightest heavens of invention!
He is omniscient - omnipotent - in the sway he holds over human souls, a veritable Ubermensch among supermen! I wrote a poem which neatly illustrates this:

The cow is of the bovine ilk (I think)
One end is moo, the other, some
form of lactose drink.
I'm still working on it - but take THAT, sceptics!


Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.




Kathy said...

You crack me up Timmy!!!

Ahh .. Think you might give Ogden a run for his money one day mate!

'So my advice to mothers is if you are the mother of a poet don't gamble on the chance that future generations may crown him.
Follow your original impulse and drown him'

Ogden Nash(Everybody Makes Poets)

TimT said...

He's hilarious. I like this one:

Sir Walter Savage Landor
Stood before the fire of life with candour
Sir Coventry Patmore
Sat more.

I've no idea who either of those writers are, but that's hilarious.

I sent this piece through to McSweeneys internet magazine, but they rejected it. Not funny enough for them, it seems. I think I'll make that a new logo for this site - 'Rejected by McSweeneys'.

Caz said...

I thought you were apoligising to Oden, then I realised you meant some other chap.

TimT said...

If you're referring to the Norse God Odin, I don't EVER want to get on his wrong side. Every morning, apparently, he makes his worshippers get up and slaughter one another for his amusement - his WORSHIPPERS! Now if that's how he treats his friends, just imagine what he'd do to his enemies!

ras said...

i laughed and i laughed and i laughed...and then i laughed some more

TimT said...

Well! That's *not* what the editor of McSweeney's said!

Which is another way of saying thanks. :)

Caz said...

On second thoughts, you had best get on with apologising to Odin then, hadn't you.

(And yes, that was the one I meant. I remember him fondly from the long dark tea time of the soul, or something or other - brilliant book, by the Hitchhiker's chap. You must have read his two detective novels, yes? Unbelievable imagination.)

TimT said...

I seem to recall he had a special thing about Thor, but all the Norse Gods kept on appearing in his novels. Mostly while quaffing ale. I've only read one of the Detective novels, though I've reread the Hitchikers books a few times and gave a book of articles/essays/talks a go (what was it called, 'The Salmon of Doubt'). Highly amusing.

Odin was always something of a sadist, but Thor is quite amusing, always wanting to go around smashing things with his hammer. There's a merry little tale in Norse mythology about Thor having to dress up in drag to get his hammer back. Ended with him heartily laying into a bunch of giants with his recovered implement, I seem to recall. Very jolly fellow, that Thor.

TimT said...

This Blog hereby apologises to any deities or semi-deities it may have offended. This Blog will sacrifice 100 milch cows to the heavens later today - that ought to do it, oughtn't it?

Caz said...

In that case, you really must read both: the second one stars both Odin and a mightily pissed-off Thor. Could not be more clever, a wonderful read.

Good to hear you've nomintated cows as your sacrificial lambs. You'll not only appease the gods, you'll be contributing to greenhouse gas abatement. I'd be putting in for gas abatement credits if I was you.

TimT said...

I'll get a copy. My favourite is probably either one of the Hitchiker books (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe is great fun) or that book of essays - 'The Salmon of Doubt', I think it's called.

eric d said...

the salmon of doubt, being, in actual fact, unfinished, feels just so, well, "unfinished".
but i guess that's okay. he really wasn't planning the death part.

TimT said...

I got the impression he wasn't ever really planning to write the Salmon of Doubt at all - that the publishers just kind of decided to screw some more money out of his corpse while it was possible. As you do (if you're a publisher).

Email: timhtrain - at -

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