Friday, August 04, 2006

The History of Europe Presented as a Weather Report

Good evening, and here is the weather.

Well, from the forecast, it looks like the next 3000 years on the European continent will be both freezing cold and hot, wet, and wild, so get your umbrellas ready!

The morning will be dry and chilly, with the slight chance of a mini-glacial age.There's also
a strong possibility that, out of the mists of time, you'll get several showers of Indo-European barbarians. I must stress, it will be quite trying for all you indigenous Pictish, Basque, Semitic, Ural-Altaic, and Etruscan residents of the European continent, so please take shelter! Not to worry, though; after a little slaughter and genocide, things will return to normal.

For most of that early part of history, there'll be some slight turbulence, with feuding nomadic tribes of Romans, Celts, Grecians, and Persians. These won't develop into any immediate storms, although they may be the cause of some future turbulence.
Moving to the Mediterranean region, it seems like you're in for some sunny weather! The dawn of civilisation is about due in your area, and a torrent of barbarians from the east will bring with it a fresh trickle of ideas from which you'll draw inspiration!
There'll be several pressure troughs in the Middle East, which may at some time develop into serious instances of instability. The Egyptians will come down on the Persians, and the Persians will come down on the Grecians - so get out your umbrellas!
And we're not sure about this one yet, but word is from the Bureau of Meterology that at some point in the early-to-mid 1st millenium, the Roman Empire will fall. I must stress, we're uncertain about this, but we're putting it out there for all you Latin types!

The continuing turmoil in the Mediterranean will, it seems, will eventually eclipse the dawn of civilisation and cause a new Dark Age to fall over your areas - and eventually over the whole of Europe! But not to worry - soon enough, you'll emerge into the summer climes of the renaissance!


Moving on to the Rainfall chart: here's what some of you Europeans can expect!

In Carthage, you can expect your city to perish in a Rain of Fire.

In Britain, you're in for some tough times. Firstly:

- the Celts will reign over the Picts;
- The Romans will reign over the Celts;
- The Anglo-Saxons will reign over the Romans;
- The Normans will reign over the Anglo-Saxons.

Plus, several light showers of arrows and swordxs from the Vikings, Spanish, French, Dutch, Germans ... but we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

- Rome will fall 2 or 3 times to the Celts and the Germans;

- And Pompey is in for a volcanic eruption or two, with a rain of lava and ash! Umbrellas out!

Coming up after the break: Islamofascism presented as a sports report, with 'Fatty' Bin Laden!


Kathy said...

Some things never change Timmy. Liked your duck joke over at Caz's place.

TimT said...


Don Quixote said...

I had an interesting conversation about genocide the other day - it seems there's been no genocide in the history of mankind. There's been ethnic cleansing and attempted genocide, but there's never been an official genocide.

If you'd included the weather patterns in European Russia I'm sure it would have revealed a constant downpour of shitty leaders and even shitter luck.

Rebecca said...

Hi Tim,
So how do you think that will affect the footy round on the weekend?

PS: Word Verification "Bamhy" how appropriate.

TimT said...

Oh, sure, using the weather charts to predict the footy and Russian leaders, I can understand ... but using the weather charts to predict the weather? C'moooooon!

Email: timhtrain - at -

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