Thursday, August 24, 2006

Inappropriate Political Organisations

I was over at DQ's place the other day debating the political merits of the proud chant of the Young Liberals: 'We're racist! We're sexist! We're homophobic!' The point of contention was that it would perhaps alienate some of the Liberals potential voters; I think that we ended up agreeing to disagree, or disagreeing to agree - I'm not sure which. Anyway, at one point, I tossed in the idea of starting a new political party, 'International Intolerance Association', which, in a spirit of multiculturalism and diversity, would attempt to alienate everybody:

Goal: To divide people of all nations, creeds, sexes, and ethnicities!
Slogans: Everybody - fuck off!
Strength in adversity!
Bringing misanthropes from across the world together!

Unfortunately, I think the Australian Democrats may have already put those campaign slogans into practice.
Continuing in this vein, another political grouping that could have some success might be the 'Racists Against Sexism'. I know, I've mentioned the idea before, but I think it might attract some of the more earnest Young Liberals out there:

Goal: Uniting the much-neglected Ku Klux Klan demographic to fight against modern gender-based discrimination.
Slogans: Pure-bred Anglo-Aryans of every sex, fight against gender-based discrimination.
So discriminating, we even discriminate in our discrimination!

Another approach we could take would be to attempt to appeal to everybody. We'd dub our party:

Goal: Working furiously to make great achievements in the field of excellence!
Slogans: Moving boldly backwards.
Climbing the ladder of opportunity to reach the plateau of consequence
Making sure that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

This generally seems to be the approach taken by the major parties, albeit with somewhat shorter names.
The following whimsical notion occurred to me when I was on the train this morning; it merges three separate tendencies in modern politics: utopian, liberal, and autocratic ...

Goal: Making everybody happy - by force if necessary.
Slogans: Free choice is not only good for you, it's compulsory.
Human rights are a privilege - not a responsibility!
You are perfectly free to do exactly what we tell you.
Strategies: Redefining 'happiness'to make it closer to our political goals.

It strikes me as a little bit funny that some modern political groupings - Economic Conservatives, Political Conservatives, and Environmental Conservatives - could never find things to agree on. I thought in this next party they might be able to find some common ground. It's goal is so generalist and all-encompassing that it should appeal to everybody:

Goal: Preserving things, in general, and everything, in particular.
Slogans: Out with the new, in with the ancient.
Whatever it is, we want more of it.

Seeing as conservationalists seem to spend most of their time signing petitions - and conservatives seem to spend most of their time writing letters to the paper (activities which sound suspiciously similar to me) - I thought that the only thing I could do was give the International Conservationarianismalismists a form letter, where they could simply fill in the blanks:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to let you know that I am deeply opposed to the destruction of the ____________. As you know, ____________ is a precious resource that should be left for our children, and if we do not do everything we can to protect ____________, then it will be lost for all future generations.

International Conservationarianismalismists.

I thought of several other ideas for political parties: Obesity Australia (Slogan: One man, one vote, one bag of chips); The Party for World Domination (Slogan: Do you think it would happen if we asked everyone very nicely?); the Liberal Hegemonists, and the 'Stalin Had Some Good Ideas Party' (but the Socialist Alliance seemed to be way ahead of me on that one). Then there was the Anti (Insert phrase here) Party, who would be against everything (a very sensible political stance, but for the fact that they would also be strongly against themselves); the Regressive Party, the Arty Party, the Tarty Party, and even the Party Party - the latter being a political grouping of people mostly concerned with having fun.

It was then that I realised - having used the words 'political' and 'fun' in the same sentence - that I had probably committed an oxymoron, so I thoughty I'd better stop there.


Darlene said...

Tim, I worry about you sometimes.

Caz said...

Wouldn't "The Infedels", with an election slogan - "proud and out" - be less complicated and easier for the good citizens to understand?

Just a thought, you know.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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