Complaints and feedback to the Department of Badness

Dear Department of Badness,

I would like to complain about the administration of badness services to my town (Newcastle). No Government - Federal, State, or Local - has ever bothered to oversee the introduction of new badness infrastructure into our region.

If a Government Department doesn't supervise the decline of civility and raise standards of nastiness, then who will?

Margery, Newcastle

Dear Margery,

Stuff you.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

I think there should be a Department of Badness uniform! That way, we could identify our local Department of Badness officials and speak to them about our concerns whenever we felt like it!

Also: have you considered giving each member of the public a badness allocation, in the form of tickets?

Dirk Ogglesworth, Mount Nebo

Dear Dirk,

Yes yes yes. And I want a fucking pony. Newflash, kid - it's not going to happen.

Twit.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

Fascist arseholes! You and all you imperialist lackeys, you make me sick! I think I'll go and throw a rock through your windows!

Grotty, Nimbin

Dear Grotty,

Have you ever considered taking up a career with the Federal Department of Badness? There are a number of career openings that would suit you perfectly.

We encourage you to forward this email on to our HR department immediately.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

It's been SIX MONTHS since the election, and not ONE of the badness criteria set by the Rudd Government has been implemented at the local office. Are you here to help us, or what?

Tim, Thornbury

Dear Tim,

Not if we can help it. Dick.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

Whatever happened to 'service with a frown'? Or 'the customer always knows worst'? Judging from the reception I'm getting at the local Department of Badness offices, these old rules that held true when I was working for you sadly no longer are the case.

Joan Prim, South Yarra

Dear Joan,

If there was a letter on my keyboard representing 'çontemptuous sneer', I would be pressing it now.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

I feel depressed, lonely, and suicidal. Help!

Elle, Toongabbie

Dear Elle,

You loser. Happy to help.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

I am appalled at the shocking lack of badness services in my region. My son has from his birth suffered from a physiological deficiency of badness, and it is only with regular badness supplements that we are able to rectify this. However, with the decline of badness services under the previous and present government, we have often had to go without.

Please do something about this immediately.

Yours sincerely, Laura Gudgman, Tooleybuc

Dear Laura Gudgman,

Like we care.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

I would like to make a complaint about the overallocation of swear words to my region's Department of Badness offices. We've got more than we know what to do with!

Ahmal, Northcote

Dear Ahmal,

Stinkface, cuntflaps, fuckbrain, poohead, shit-for-guts, cocksucker, bum, tit, wee. There. That should do.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness

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Dear Department of Badness,

Hey! You guys are doing a terrific job! I'd like to personally thank you for giving us new faith in the ability of a government department to deliver badness in an equitable and fair basis to the community!

Janine, Ballarat

Dear Janine,

These are serious allegations that you are making, and the Department of Badness will be beginning an inquiry to look into these charges immediately. There are several reasons why this incident might have occured, and while we cannot provide an answer yet, we would like to here and now offer our complete apologies for the delivery of our services to your community, and thank you for bringing this problem to our attention.

We can only make say that we will work harder in future to ensure that better standards of badness and crapulence are achieved by our department while working with your community.

Sincerely,
Aaron Piedersen,
Chief Communications Officer,
Federal Department of Badness