Thursday, August 28, 2008

Four playlets

Petty Crime
(A darkened house. Two stealthy figures move rapidly from room to room, rifling the drawers and looking for valuables. Eventually one whispers urgently to the other... )

CRIMINAL ONE: That's all, Joe! All I've found are ten diamonds or less!

CRIMINAL TWO: It's FEWER, you idiot! (Shoots his companion) Don't they teach them ANYTHING these days?

Kitchen Sink Drama
(It's nothing BUT the kitchen sink!)
Two empty kitchen sinks sit by one another, one for washing, one for rinsing.

KITCHEN SINK 1: (In a hard, masculine voice, gushing angry hot water out of the tap while he speaks) Right! That's it! I can't stand it in this house anymore. I'M LEAVING YOU, SHARON!

KITCHEN SINK 2: (With a thin quavering voice) But... but ... I'll be so LONELY!

KITCHEN SINK 1: I don't care. GOODBYE!

KITCHEN SINK 2: (Gushing cold water tearfully from the tap) What did I ever do to deserve this?

(An ant bursts into the nest bearing a large breadcrumb on its back. The eyes of all other ants turn to it. )

ANTICLEUS THE ANT: Fear not, my fellow ants - the Queen and the Nest shall not starve! For I, Anticleus, have found a breadcrumb which shall feed us for many nights! And there's more where that came from!

OTHER ANTS: Hoooooooooooooooooooooo-raaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!

(Just then, a twenty-centimetre meteorite falls out of the sky right on top of the ant nest, blasting it wide open, squashing half of the ants in the process, and tossing the rest of them up in the air. )

ANTICLEUS THE ANT: (Muttering) Looks like I'm not going to get that pay rise after all...

Soap opera
(An empty opera stage. A soap bar comes on stage and proceeds to sing...)

La donna è mobile
Qual piuma al vento,
Muta d'accento — e di pensiero.
Sempre un amabile,
Leggiadro viso,
In pianto o in riso, — è menzognero.
È sempre misero
Chi a lei s'affida,
Chi le confida — mal cauto il cuore!
Pur mai non sentesi
Felice appieno
Chi su quel seno — non liba amore!

(A half-empty box of Omo sitting all alone in the opera stalls bursts into rapturous applause)

Damn! I knew I should have gone in the heats for Australian Idol! That's where all the money is! Arroghe merda!

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