Sunday, August 10, 2008

Respectable scientific analysis of a common problem

I've just come back from the markets where I had been using the shopping trolley from hell. As I wheeled it over the smooth floor, it lurched, at sudden and unpredictable intervals, to the left, sometimes attempting to take out other passengers or small children. In this day and age of computers and the electric light, one would expect the technology of evil shopping trolleys would be well known. Sadly, the problem of evil shopping trolleys persists in today's society. Therefore, as a public service, I have decided to consider the problem here on my blog, and propose some solutions myself.



EXPLANATION 1: The shopping trolley has been taken on a joy ride late at night by drunken staff members, who persistently did wheelies from left-to-right. The trolley is therefore attempting to unspin itself by its own efforts.

SOLUTION: Take the shopping trolley on a right-to-left joy ride until the constant left-lean is taken out of the wheels. (PROBLEM: this may cause the shopping trolley to become spun in the opposite direction, causing similar difficulties for the next customer. ANOTHER PROBLEM: This may interfere with the other customers too.)

EXPLANATION 2: The evil shopping trolley really is from hell, and is doing the evil bidding of Satan by attempting to slaughter all the customers, including yourself.

SOLUTION: Contact your local parish priest and get them to send a sternly worded letter to the minions of hell, asking them to please cease and desist from outsourcing their evil shopping trolleys to the local markets.

EXPLANATION 3: You are in fact in telepathic communion with your evil shopping trolley, and it is attempting to lead you somewhere.

SOLUTION: Let the shopping trolley take you where it wants to, and you may find a waterhole, or gold, etc. (PROBLEM: You may have a slight difficulty if the trolley attempts to take you outside the supermarket. The staff may not look upon your explanation kindly. Try this: "No, really! I'm a scientist!" Running away also sometimes helps.)

EXPLANATION 4: The evil shopping trolley, in its constant lurches to the left, demonstrates its ideological affinity with socialism, communism, or some form of progressive politics.

SOLUTION: Sit down with the shopping trolley, patiently explain to it the difficulties that progressive politicians have with economic management, and the intrusive effect on personal liberties that the implementation of seemingly important progressive initiatives can have. Read several passages from Hayek, Mises, Adam Smith, Edmund Burke, and so on, in an attempt to rectify its left-ward leanings. (NOTE: There may be a possible link between EXPLANATION 4 and EXPLANATION 2. However, as it is not entirely clear which party Satan votes for, this knotty theological and ideological problem will have to be debated at a later date.)


Of course, a simpler solution would be to get another shopping trolley.


Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

There has been a shopping trolley in the moat at work for some months now. I can only conclude that your common shopping trolley is, by nature, an aquatic beast, and pines for the fjords, thus its intractable habit of hurtling seawards when you try to drive it inland.

TimT said...

From the swamplands of upper-lower-middle Thornbury, one can still hear the great cry of the wild shopping trolley, a kind of rusty, metallic yodelling, as they seek others of their kind for companionship. 'Tis a noble species, indeed.

nailpolishblues said...

Surely a shopping trolley that attempts to remove small children from markets is a force for good? Perhaps the angels were on your side.

TimT said...

Good point.

Next time I'll let the shopping trolley do the walking.

The Devil Drink said...

Hell does have bad shopping trolleys, funnily enough, but not all bad shopping trolleys are from Hell. There's a simple test you can apply:
Were you in the bottleshop? If not, I wasn't driving.

TimT said...

Weeeeeeelll, the liquor store was right next door, you had to go through a couple of gates to get there. Not sure if it counts. But hey, I'm all for taking personal responsibility for one's own drinking, and spreading it throughout all walks of life.

The Devil Drink said...

Bless you, my child.
And for the record, as I am not on the electoral roll, I am not entitled to a vote.

Naj said...

you are cute!

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive