Saturday, August 30, 2008

Smarmy doggerel Saturday


Here I languish, sadly sighing;
My eyes are blue - my hair is gold;
I’m pretty fair - and fairly pretty,
And… twentyish years old.

I am a PRINCESS by profession,
Reigning and ruling is my trade.
But cruel ENCHAUNTER’S prisoned me
In this palace all of jade.

My bed is guarded by a LION
And WARRIORS with axe and mace
To bar the lover who would dare
To take me from this place.

Hark to my song of deadly woe!
Hark to my too, too tragic tale!
I’ve but a lion for company -
(At least I have email.)

And first there came on palfrey white
Bold PRINCE CHARMING, brave Prince Charming,
In gold and glist’ring rubies dight
Fair Prince Charming, most alarming.

Prince Charming galloped to my bed
On horse (as I before have stated)
‘Ere poor Prince Charming began disarming,
The axe fell – CHOP! He was decapitated!

And next there came on stallion green(1)
With smiling mouth, unsmiling eyes,
Prince Charming’s older brother, SMARMING –
He soon met his ill-timed demise…

The Lion that stood before my bed
Devoured him for its first course.
“Bad kitty-cat!” I scolded then –
But only when he ate the horse.

Princes, Paupers, Mossy-coats,
I’ve seen them all, the bloody lot –
All were transfixed, gutted, chopped,
Or met with the garotte.(2)

One day, a FROG hopped on my bed
And sang (or rather croaked) to me
Of magic kisses, wedded blisses,
In kingdoms by the silver sea.

I kissed the frog – and with a BLAM!
He turned into a Prince of Men!
I kissed this Prince once more and – WHAM!
He turned into a frog again.

Female, single, twentyish –
I can provide a photograph.
Looking for love. For friends at least.
For life? Don’t make me freakin’ laugh.

(1)And next there came on stallion green” –
This is, you’ll note, a curious sheen!
Some say this stallion was of faerie.
I say he’d been painted by his equerry.

(2) Or mutilated, rended limb by limb,
Or with explosions set alight,
Or had the heart torn out their chest,
Or – some of them – took flight.


TimT said...

This poem is cheerfully dedicated to the anonymous reader for a magazine who snarkily described this as 'smarmy doggerel' as their reason for rejecting it for publication.

I suspect they used the word 'smarmy' after seeing 'smarming' in my poem, too - quite original of them.

nailpolishblues said...

1) Blue-eyed blondes - what do you expect?

2) Your comment was much more amusing than the poem.

TimT said...

I would have made her a green eyed redhead if it made for a good rhyme. And you should see some of the other poems that this magazine has published.

nailpolishblues said...

Bitter much?

TimT said...

Gosh, you should have seen how I was when I first got the rejection email.

nailpolishblues said...

Rejection by email is a little harsh.

Um...yeah. I don't much like seeing grown men cry. :p

Email: timhtrain - at -

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