Monday, August 04, 2008

Whoring Selling Australia

The ads, for which Mr Luhrmann said he was paid "mates' rates", will eschew tourism landmarks. "What we hope to do is convey an emotional experience that is possible from going the extra distance and coming to this unique, special place on the edge of the world," he said.

Tourism Australia and Mr Luhrmann agreed much was riding on the strategy, which is a stopgap until a successor to the derided Where The Bloody Hell Are You? campaign is found.
- Mr Luhrmann is ready for your close-up, Australia

Where the bloody hell are you, mark two (the sequel)
G'day, youse bastards. Kevin Blood here, and I'm about as Australian as the grout on the bum of a merino sheep. And proud of it to boot!

Your host, Kevin Blood.

Now it's come within my purview that some of youse foreigners have been getting all hoity-toity and offended by this 'ere Tourism Australia ad.

Now what the bloody hell's wrong with that?

I thought about this for a bit, and that's when it hit me, like a ruddy great jumbo jet going wildly out of control with a flamin' great hole in its side - it was too subtle for youse bastards! Your miniscule European minds just couldn't comprehend the complicated message we were trying to ram through them.

Well, here in Australia, we've got subtlety comin' out off our arseholes. That's why I've decided to do a new ad for the benefit of you poor slobs on the continent.


We're a sophisticated nation, all right, with just about as much culture as you'd ever wish for. But we always maintain an easy and informal tone with one another. Just check out this ordinary, everyday scene happening in a normal Australia cafe.

(MAN walks up to counter of a suburban cafe)

MAN: (To waitress) G'day Shaz. Can I have a skinny double-shot extra large cappucino, hold the sugar, please?

SHARON: There ya go, Gaz, ya old bastard.

MAN: (Sipping coffee) Tastes just about as exciting as an old boot. Cheers, Shaz!

Of course, it's the rich complexities of the Aussie vernacular that are apt to trick youse continental bastards. If you're thinkin' of comin' to Australia, you might have a bit of trouble at first.

(AMERICAN MAN walks up to counter at same suburban cafe)

AMERICAN MAN: Hey ya, how's it doin'? Can I have a double moccha latte to go please?

SHARON: (Pushing coffee across counter to American Man) There ya go. And I hope ya rot in hell, yankee imperialist bastard!

Don't worry. You'll soon get the hang of it.

(AMERICAN MAN walks up to counter at same suburban cafe)

AMERICAN MAN: Hey ya, how's it doin'? Can I have a double moccha latte to go please?

SHARON: (Pushing coffee across counter to American Man) There ya go. And I hope ya rot in hell, yankee imperialist bastard!

AMERICAN MAN: (Thinks) Hey - screw YOU, asshole! (Laughs raucuously)

It's the little things like that that make the Aussie life the wonder of the southern, northern, eastern, western, or just about any other bloody hemisphere you can think of. And if you don't like it -


Australia might have a little population. But we've got a lot to be proud of! For instance, we're one of the safest countries in the world. Thanks to new laws being brought in by all the state governments, if anyone is caught smoking in public, they're SHOT on SIGHT!

And just in case you're wondering, no. This won't lead to vigilante justice. Thanks to laws introduced by the Howard Government, the only people doing the shooting will be officers of the law or other appointed government representatives. So youse all won't have anything to worry about. Unless you do something wrong. Or do something that someone thinks is wrong. Or do something that someone thinks might seem wrong to someone else. Or...

And if you don't like that -


Another one of the natural advantages of this great country of ours is the wide open spaces we've got. Just have a gander at the natural beauty of my own backyard...

Look at that, ey? Isn't it a beauty? And you can't have none of it. And thanks to the hard work of successive Aussie Governments, even the bits that are public are private, locked away behind fences and bureaucratic red tape.

Anyway, the point is, even in such rich and fecund environments as this, you'll find us Aussies, with our sophisticated cultural understanding.

(The camera swoops in on who else but BARRY HUMPHRIES*, standing atop one of the three sisters - whichever one's available - reading aloud from Rabbie Burns' poem 'Ode tae a haggis'.)

HUMPHRIES: Great chieftain a' the puddin' race;
Aboon them a' ye tak' yair place...

KEVIN BLOOD: (Comes up to Humphries, holding two coffees) G'day Baz. Double shot macchiato, one sugar, extra crema?

HUMPHRIES: That's the one, you scumbag, Kev!

KEVIN: (Sipping meditatively from coffee) And if you don't like it...

BOTH: (Turning to face the camera) THEN PISS ORFF!

Of course, it's not all opera and ballet and Italian coffee with us. Aussies also appreciate the finer things in life - like sport. This beaut little country is home to many fabulous sports, like dwarf tossing, extreme barbecue racing, and barbecue throwing - at dwarfs.

(CAMERA CUTS TO: PAUL HOGAN* and KEV at another barbecue throwing contest)

KEV: Hey Paul - chuck another barbie on the prawn, would ya?

HOGAN: Righto! (Throws barbie)

DWARF: (Off camera) Ow! That hurt!

KEV AND HOGAN: (Laughing) And if you don't like that - THEN PISS ORFF!

So whether you're comin' to Australia for our rich cultural diversity, our friendly ways, or our wide open spaces -

(currently closed to the public, thanks very much) then I've just got one thing to say to you:

(Deal currently under negotiation with Tourism Australia)

*As Jellyfish is wont to say, 'deal pending'.


Ampersand Duck said...

I like the new slant you've given the old Howard message:

Australia -- If we don't like you, you can PISS ORF!

It's those slight shades of grey that make the difference, don't you think?

TimT said...

I like to think that it combines the plaintive - 'Where the bloody hell are you? Please!' - with the old John Howardism, 'We decide who comes to this country, and the circumstances in which they come.'

Obviously there's a bit of Bazza McKenzie in there as well.

Scallywags who vindictively suggest that I wrote this whole thing to make the joke 'Throw another barbie on the prawn, would you' are neither here nor there.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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