Friday, November 20, 2009

Coming sooner. Or later.

WARNING: the following preview should not be seen by small children, the elderly, and adults. Everyone else can see it, though.

2012, as brought to you by acclaimed movie director Roland Emmerich, and the Melbourne Public Transport System

(SCENE: Inner city Melbourne, Bourke Street in the process of being flooded by a titanic wall of sea water. As it rushes past Myer, a smartly-dressed metrosexual emerges out of the building, and is immediately swept away in the swirling waters. He screams!)

(A PANICKED AND HYSTERICAL MOB rushes up towards Russell Street.)

PANICKED AND HYSTERICAL MOB: OMG! WTF! Shriek! Yawp! Help! Eeeeeeeeee! (etc).

SCARED MAN: If only there weren't so many restrictions on traffic on inner-city Melbourne Streets, we could just break open these cars and drive out of town!

HORROR-STRUCK WOMAN: We've only got one choice! We've got to catch the tram!

(To appropriate music - Thus Spake Zarathustra, or The Ride of the Valkyries, or possibly both, at the same time - the 86 Tram lumbers up the hill.)

PANICKED AND HYSTERICAL MOB: Eeeee! Awk! Wait for me! Yargh!

(Everyone rushes onto the tram)

SCARED MAN: But... it's only going as far as Clifton Hill! We're going to have to do a changeover!



(SCENE: The tram is lumbering around the Gertrude Street/Smith Street corner, with a herd of slavering dinosaurs nipping at its wheels. All of a sudden, it grinds to a halt).

SCARED MAN: What... what the hell's going on?

HORROR-STRUCK WOMAN: That old woman with a shopping cart full of bricks has to get someone to help her shopping cart on the tram!

SCARED MAN: But... there's no time! We'll all be eaten!

HORROR-STRUCK WOMAN: (As a tyrannosaurus pops its head in through the window and nibbles on her hat)

PANICKED AND HYSTERICAL MOB: Arrrrrrrgh! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeelp! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!


Other scenes include: The bit where they have to wait even though a huge gaping hole in the ground is about to open up underneath the tram because the people in the tram behind have to change over because of a brake defect, the bit where the tram driver waits in Northcote for two minutes in order to stay on the timetable, and the suspensful bit where the ticket inspectors get on and not everyone has their ticket in order!

The tram! Coming sooner, or later, to a city street near you!


TimT said...

Special effects were provided for this post courtesy of the caps lock and the exclamation mark.

ras said...

The bedroom philosopher did an entire concept album based on the 86 trams journey.

He's now performing it at the Toff In Town. I recon all Yarra Trams employees should receive free entry, especially drivers on the 86 tram....

The end of the world, somehow I always knew I'd play a part in it.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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