Saturday, November 28, 2009

Excremental success!

Top of the New York Times bestseller list!

Secrets of the Gordon Ramsay Swearing Code

"Fucking cunty bollock shit turd steaming pile of wee." These are just some of the famous swear words from the famous swearing mouth of professional sweary and part-time cook, Gordon Ramsay. Now you might want to just take them at face value, mightn't you?

Well according to a professed Professor* at an alleged university, there's more to the ever-eloquent Ramsay's words than just swearing.

"We just applied a simple formula to the swear words," says Professor Gribble McGrubble, "And found that Ramsay had encoded secret, non-swearing messages in his swear words."

McGrubbles goes on to explain: "The secretive secrets included within the amazingly offensive and puerile swear words uttered by Gordon Ramsay include such astounding revelations as, 'I am fond of grey cats', 'I'll just pop the kettle on so we can all have some tea', 'I would like to wear a hat today, but I am uncertain as to whether I should put on my red one or my green one', 'perhaps I should take my umbrella, it looks a little cloudy out', and 'Civilisation will end in 2059 due to the five-day Guatemalan war'."

But that's not all! You can apply the secrets of Gordon Ramsay's swearing to your own professional and love life, as analysis of passages of unredeemable filth by Gordon Ramsay turns up such unlikely messages as, 'Now is the time to indulge in new relationships', 'the stock market will fall five points in two days from now', and 'a rabid ox will devour your testicles this afternoon, so put your relationship and work plans on hold'.

And who could afford not to take heed of such advice as, 'wear the blue coat, it suits you', 'the package should arrive in the post tomorrow, at seven pm', and 'in the year of the serpent blue fire will rain down on the sunlit lands and a strong emperor will emerge after a famine of eight moons', such as can be found in the fantastically offensive string of four letter words proceeding from Gordon Ramsay's mouth? No-one, that's who!

Secrets of the Gordon Ramsay Swearing Code! Are you thinking of buying it? Are you fucking nuts?!?? Available in all bad bookstores!

*Professed Professors are the most professional Professors of them all.

Apply the timeless wisdom of Gordon Ramsay's disgusting swearing to your life for instant SUCCESS!


BwcaBrownie said...

... and the code was cracked at Retchly Park.

Having spent some time in a bookshop today, it would not surprise me if by next Christmas, your professor has a sequel publication
'Jane Austen Goes Gordon' -
Elizabeth very cleverly parries Lady Catherine's verbal inquisition:
"Well fuck you too Lady fucking Catherine you fucking zombie dog.

TimT said...

Brownie, your suggestions for Pride and Retchiduce are so pertinent that they're guaranteed to be an instant success. In fact, it'll be the most instant success you've ever heard of, because the book was a bestseller even before you thought of it. Now that's instant!

Holle said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! First laugh for the day. Thanks.

Ms Rachy said...

Arr Tim fark off ye daft cunt what a stupid shit crap idea!

TimT said...

I must admit when I read those swear words I immediately started scanning them to see whether they had any hidden acronyms or codes...

Email: timhtrain - at -

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