Eat your greens

Ways to encourage people to eat their vegetables: a dietary table

Vegetable	Orthodox method of persuasion	Tim's method of persuasion
Carrots	"The carrot gets its characteristic and bright orange colour from β-carotene, which is metabolised into vitamin A in humans... Carrots are also rich in dietary fibre, antioxidants, and minerals. Lack of Vitamin A can cause poor vision... Ethnomedically, the roots are used to treat digestive problems, intestinal parasites, and tonsillitis or constipation."	Just look at their nobbly little limbs and arms and legs! It's like eating a freakin' goblin baby! Hey, bet you it screams when you cook it, too. DIE, HORRIFYING GOBLIN SPAWN OF THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH, DIE!
Beetroots	"Beetroots are rich in the nutrient betaine, which is important for cardiovascular health. It functions by acting with other nutrients to reduce the concentration of homocysteine, a homologue of the naturally occurring amino acid cysteine, which can be harmful to blood vessels and thus contribute to the development of heart disease, stroke, and peripheral vascular disease.... Beetroot juice has been shown to lower blood pressure and thus help prevent cardiovascular problems."	Eat your beetroots or you skin won't turn purple, kids! What have you got against purple skin, anyway? Are you RACIST, or something?
Potatoes	"The potato contains vitamins and minerals that have been identified as vital to human nutrition."	I personally hunted and killed this savage beast of the vegetable kingdom, and held it down and throttled the last beath out of its throat with my own bare hands. Don't mention it.
Couscous	"Couscous is made from wheat... [with] "12.2 grams of dietary fiber, and 3.6 mg of iron (20% of the daily requirement)."	So freaking awesome. It's like eating dirt, man. It's dirt you can eat!
Spinach	"Spinach is considered to be a rich source of iron.... Spinach has a high nutritional value and is extremely rich in antioxidants..."	Eat this pestilential vegetable! Devour it! Do not cease until the last corpse of spinach has ceased to pollute our plates with its filth, and we can once more be free from the menace it has cast upon the world!