The tousle question

I was just busy composing a monotonic ring tone for my pizza oven when someone asked me, 'Tim, you speak to London Mayor Boris Johnson all the time. How does he get his hair so wonderfully tousled in just the right way, so that it is neither too tousled, nor too untousled, but that it has just the right amount of tousle-age in order to gain him success in the polls.'

And I am glad they asked this question. For there is nothing so important to modern politics than the amount of tousle-age to Boris Johnson's hair, as it conveys all the right implications of in-controlness but devil-may-careness at all the right moments to all the right people. Not a hair is tousled out of place; indeed, if there were some portions of inappropriate tousling, it is likely that some devastating geopolitical disaster would happen.

By applying equations derived from measuring Margaret Thatcher's beehive hairdo during the key points of her career, factoring in statistics gained from a crack squad of tousle-age specialists assigned to count the vanishing strands of hair on the noggin of John Howard, and finishing it all off with a number of algorithms derived from modern chaos theory, modern scientists, working deep in underground laboratories in Henley-on-Thames have arrived at the optimum tousle-age theorem for Boris Johnson's hair. It is neither tousled too far to the right, nor to the left, neither too far up or too far down, and we certainly do not apply the 'tropical storm' tousle, with the hairs going in every direction.

Certain detractors, slanderers, and progressive rapscallions have made the vile calumniation that nobody tousles Boris Johnson's hair at all, but their fallacious opinions are of course known to be wrong by every right-minded citizen; and when the identities of these slanderers is made known, they will be marched off to a secret facility and forced to listen to a tape of David Cameron reading them bedtime stories until they repent.