Rules for going to bed

1. There must be two pillows. One pillow is acceptable but two is preferable.

2. It is absolutely necessary that the sheets be at right angles to the bed. One must be quite strict about this. An angular sheet can cause hours of stress; efforts to move the angular sheet may change the angles of the sheets on top of it, and may result in gaps that let in the cold night air.

3. The sheet should be tucked in firmly but with room for the feet at the bottom. There should certainly not be gaps that let in the cold air to play around your feet.

4. Dogs are allowed to sleep in the bed.

5. Cats are allowed to sleep in the bed. Though maybe not at the same time as dogs.

6. Before letting the cats on to the bed, it is advised that one strategically align one's body so that both cat and body may have space for manouevre. Cats may attempt to thwart this strategic alignment by waiting until you are just asleep and then coming and laying themselves right across your legs, or even in between them, until you wake up realising how uncomfortable things have become, and you have to turn to accomodate the cat, resulting in less room for your body and more room for the cat. This may be avoided by... by... well, I'm not sure if it can be avoided, but avoid it anyway.

7 Do not wear socks. It may make your feet feel warm at first but then they will feel over-warm, and it will become necessary to reach deep into the blanketed area to remove them from your feet.

8. Do not, in your dazed, half-awake, half-asleep stupour, attempt to manouevre the blankets with your feet alone. Results will almost never be satisfactory, and will merely result in keeping you awake.

9. Yes, do stay in bed for another half hour. It may not be necessary - but that kind of makes it compulsory.