Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Ten Lessons in Etiquette

1) Do not pick your nose, especially if you have quick-drying superglue on your finger.

2) Do not eat your relatives, unless you have a knife and fork handy.

3)Do not stare. If your eyelids have been stapled open, then it may be necessary for you to gouge your eyes out.

4) Use a gentle, moderate tone of voice when swearing. When saying "Please" and "thankyou", shout. It shows everyone how polite you are.

5) Remember to swear correctly: "For fucks' sake", not "For fuck's sake" or "For fucks sake".

6) Ladies first: especially during sex.

7) If you see a little old lady standing by the road, help her across: the chances are that she will be a wealthy heiress, and she will give you all her money.

If she does not give you all her money, take her right back.

8) It is wrong to have children. They shout, run around, and say impolite* things. If you happen to have any children lying around, rectify this situation by locking them in the basement closet.


9) Always carry a handkerchief, in case it should be necessary for you to dispose of human remains during the day.

10) Shake the hand of everybody that you are introduced to. If they do not have hands, then some other form of bodily contact, such as kissing or sex is considered appropriate.

UPDATE! - Actually, now that I come to think about it, I'm not sure whether "For fucks' sake" is the correct spelling. Is the 'fuck' being referred to singular? Or is it actually a plurality of 'fucks' that is being referred to (in which case, the rule stated above would be correct)? In short, does the term mean 'For the sake of a fuck', or 'For the sake of all fucks?'
Then again, maybe when the term 'fuck' is being used in its swearing context, then it is not acting as a verb at all. So perhaps we don't need the apostrophe?
What do you think, readers?


nailpolishblues said...

Ah, I'd wondered why people got so weird when I didn't shake their hands.

Bruce said...

Only 10?

Why is your page disappearing into the left side of my screen, so that I mostly read:

en lessons in ettiquette.

TimT said...

So do you just go in for the kiss, Nails?

ruce, what can I say?

et a better screen, quickly!

nailpolishblues said...

I normally just take a step back and wave but it does depend on who offers the kiss.

michelle said...

i almost always refuse to shake hands with anyone... i may as well stick my hand down the toilet.

nailpolishblues said...

I love those little ocd touches - non touches - whatever.

TimT said...

Perhaps you are right, but wouldn't it be rude not to shake the person's hand?

From now on, I think I shall carry some gloves with me whenever I go out. When I meet new people, I will place the glove upon my hand, shake their hand, and then dispose of the glove. I'm sure they'll appreciate my thoughtfulness.

nailpolishblues said...

I've always used it as 'for the sake of fuck' - but then I tend to use fuck for god. Oh dear, that sounds really wrong.
What a phrase. Fuck for god.

TimT said...


nailpolishblues said...

Bye bye arse.

Caz said...

TimT - the disposable latex are an excellent idea; cheap; a variety of primary colours; a whole wade of them can be scrunched into your pocket, without too much bulge.

methinks said...

while on the handshake, i just carry an anti-bacterial gel in my bag all the time. and i make sure i don't touch anything after having shaken hands (that's good grammar a la germans) with someone/anyone!

TimT said...

Latex? I think I'd put on red silken gloves if I really liked the person.

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