Ten Lessons in Etiquette

1) Do not pick your nose, especially if you have quick-drying superglue on your finger.

2) Do not eat your relatives, unless you have a knife and fork handy.

3)Do not stare. If your eyelids have been stapled open, then it may be necessary for you to gouge your eyes out.

4) Use a gentle, moderate tone of voice when swearing. When saying "Please" and "thankyou", shout. It shows everyone how polite you are.

5) Remember to swear correctly: "For fucks' sake", not "For fuck's sake" or "For fucks sake".

6) Ladies first: especially during sex.

7) If you see a little old lady standing by the road, help her across: the chances are that she will be a wealthy heiress, and she will give you all her money.

If she does not give you all her money, take her right back.

8) It is wrong to have children. They shout, run around, and say impolite* things. If you happen to have any children lying around, rectify this situation by locking them in the basement closet.

*Impolite=Honest.

9) Always carry a handkerchief, in case it should be necessary for you to dispose of human remains during the day.

10) Shake the hand of everybody that you are introduced to. If they do not have hands, then some other form of bodily contact, such as kissing or sex is considered appropriate.

UPDATE! - Actually, now that I come to think about it, I'm not sure whether "For fucks' sake" is the correct spelling. Is the 'fuck' being referred to singular? Or is it actually a plurality of 'fucks' that is being referred to (in which case, the rule stated above would be correct)? In short, does the term mean 'For the sake of a fuck', or 'For the sake of all fucks?'
Then again, maybe when the term 'fuck' is being used in its swearing context, then it is not acting as a verb at all. So perhaps we don't need the apostrophe?
What do you think, readers?