Friday, November 18, 2005

A Letter To My Fellow Workmates

Dear Wretched Simpering Anaemic Milksops,

I'm not even sure what that phrase means, but I think it probably applies to you. Every time I go down into the kitchen to get myself some coffee or tea, I look in the fridge for an ordinary sized carton of milk.
Instead, what do I find? Skinny milk, diet milk, soy milk, skim milk, light milk - everything but regular, lard-based milk.

I can understand that, from time to time, you want to cut back on your cholesterol intake. But always? From my observation of the contents of the work fridge, you are drinking much too much of this diet milk.
Here's a tip: if you want to cut back on your weight, then it's not a good idea to ingest anything in huge quantities. And certainly not the same thing, day after day.

This obsession has gone too far. I demand that my desire to guzzle ordinary, cow-produced lard once or twice a day be attended to! Rectify the lack of lactose in the fridge now!


PS Of course, if any of my fellow workmates are reading this, that doesn't go for you guys. I love you.


rachy said...

so bloody true but I do enjoy soy milk occasionally

nailpolishblues said...

Ugh, soy makes me sick. Speaking of, these people are sickos and totally deluded on one or two counts...
1] Tea tastes better with real milk
2] As does coffee - depending on how you make said coffee it tastes even better with cream..
3] Half of these stupid fucks are the ones that routinely have chocolate and/or chips as an afternoon snack and spend half their lives bitching about how fat they are because they're five kilos heavier than they want to be - which they always do at you/to you when you're just trying to make a simple cup of ordinary tea because you're so caffiene addicted [this may or may not include me]...

Oh gods! I hate my office job!

TimT said...

Damn right! I've half a mind to send this email out to all of my workmates this Monday ...

Imagine when these sickly anorexic waifs give birth and start breastfeeding - they'll have so little cholesterol in their system, that they'll just end up squeezing out water tinged with a pale white substance, and that'll be it!

nailpolishblues said...

Trust a boy to bring it back to breasts - nice work.

Caz said...

rachy - you "ENJOY" soy milk? How?

The people who insist on drinking pretend milk (it's NOT REAL MILK) are also the people who drink diet soft drink. Yet, remarkably, they never lose weight.

I really hate it when coffee shops automaticallly assume that I'll want "low fat" milk in my latte, just because I'm a women. Why do they look at a woman who weights about 50 kls (me) and assume I NEED low fat lattes?!! Hmmm!! Makes me furious! I demand answers!!

Trust a boy to imagine that anorexic waifs have breasts.

nailpolishblues said...

There's only one good reason to drink diet soft-drink - fake sugar doesn't rot your teelth liek the real thing. No such benefit to fake milk...

They assume ALL women must want skim milk in their coffee - I thought they were just being bitchy at my, er, rounded, it's a gender thing. Oh yay.

Bozwell said...

Ever noticed that the whole low-fat thing hasn't worked?

There are more fat people than ever!!!

Now what is being pushed is "Low-Carb" which has gotten right out of hand as well!!!!

Moderation is the key...except when it comes to Bundy...Mmmm Bundy...

Caz said...

nailpolishblues - definitely a gender thing. I'll bet they NEVER try to force the lard-arsed business men to have a "low fat decaf soy" "coffee". You never see a man drinking diet soft drink either.

I do drink diet soft drink, some, but only 'cause I drink lots of tonic water & coke (not together), and I figure I can do without 3 tonnes of extra sugar each day. But other soft drinks I go the full sugar hog, 'cause they taste better that way.

bozwell - yes, the irony is not lost, and indeed, it merely grows fatter by the day, it seems. My local supermarket has so much low-fat stuff that I wrote them an abusive email about how they had no fucking right to try to dictate to me what kind of food to eat - it's NOT their job; it's none of their fucking business, and offering only low-fat tasteless crap would mean I would have to take my business elsewhere!

Low fat Pringles? Who the hell WANTS low fat Pringles? Huh?

Low fat cottage cheese? WTF!! Cottage cheese is already low fat you dick brains!

TimT said...

Low-fat sour cream. When I lived down the road in Brunswick, that's all they sold. You couldn't find a carton of normal-fat sour cream for your life. I asked one of the shopkeepers what the hell was going on, she told me, 'that's all they buy!'

And decaff coffee? What the hell's up with that??? That's like non-alcoholic alcohol. S.T.U.P.I.D!

Tony.T said...

Even our school has normal milk. That's school. A place chock full of milquetoast healthfreaks. You've gotta put your foot down, man.

Soy is good on cereal, but that is all.

TimT said...

Milquetoast sounds like the name of a dessert my mother cooked occasionally. It tasted awful. I think she cooked it to annoy us.

Email: timhtrain - at -

eXTReMe Tracker

Blog Archive