The Natural History of Smirking

From Laura's blog comes the news that a Melbourne worker has been sacked for smirking.

It's been a long journey for the humble smirk since its discovery ...


A smirk packet from the fifties.

THE ORIGINS OF THE SMIRK

The smirk was first discovered by Spanish explorers in the southern Americas. Smirking was an important part of culture for native Americans. They were required to wear smirks for different cultural events, and, from time to time, indulged in recreational smirking as well.
Of course, the Spanish explorers knew nothing about this. They just noticed that the natives had these huge smiles on their faces, and it irritated the hell out of them, so they decided to loot and pillage the place.
However, on their voyage back to Spain, these Spanish explorers frequently found they dreamed of the faces of the conquered native Americans, lips stretched in mysterious, knowing half-grins.
Little did they know, but a small bag of smirks had already been stowed on board by a shiphand.

THE SMIRK IN HISTORY

Soon smirking became an established custom in many lands in Europe. To the Spanish, it was known as 'La Smirquettillo'; to the Italians, 'La Smirquetta'; to the French, 'Le Smirque'. It was only in the 1600s - when the practice of smirking was taken up by the English - that it took on its modern name, and became the humble smirk.
Smirking quickly rose in popularity, and soon, packets of smirks were sold in every marketplace, up and down the land. Different kinds of smirks were developed - from the extra mild (a small, slight twinge of the lips: very popular with women) to the extra wild smirk (lips parted, teeth showing in a kind of animal growl). It was difficult to tell the smirk from ordinary facial expressions if one was not a smirking connoisseur: there was just something knowing and secretive about the expression.
Smirking clubs were established, of which many up-and-coming men became members. Famous smirkers in history include D'Israeli, Theodore Roosevelt, and F.D. Roosevelt*. The practice of smirking, however, was frowned on in female society.

THE SMIRK IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

The smirk became ever more popular; however, in the mid-twentieth century, a number of facts were discovered about the smirk that may dramatically effect its history.

- Firstly, the smirk was addictive: this fact was suspected for centuries, but the addictive qualities of the smirk have now been measured and quantified in the laboratory. (It has since been pointed out that when the doctors performing this research found out about the addictive qualities of the smirk, they were so satisfied with themselves that they could not refrain from handing out a packet of smirks and putting them on, which rather casts doubt on some of their research.)

- Secondly, the smirk was convincingly linked, in a number of scientific studies, to different conditions: among them Lung cancer, respiratory disease, and know-it-all-itis (a rare but fatal condition often affecting politicians).

- Thirdly - and less convincingly, this time - there have been suggestions that smirking leads to other forms of drug abuse, and may exaggerate criminal tendencies in people.

Parents became worried about the effects of smirking on their schoolchildren. One school teacher was quite shocked when she discovered that her Kindergarten class were not, in fact, smiling because they were happy to be in school: they were, in fact, sharing amongst themselves a packet of smirks when she was not looking.
She immediately lobbied the school to do something about what she called the 'rampant smirk abuse' in the school system and 'wipe the smiles off those little brats faces'. In little over a month, she had gained national media attention and formed the Coalition Of Concern About Smirking Students. (COCASS). This anti-smirking lobby group has since had a vast influence on the history of the smirk in the world.
Governments turned against the smirk (although politicians kept smirking on the side): labels were placed on smirking packets, and taxes on smirking companies were raised higher and higher. Gradually, smirking in public places was outlawed, amidst concerns about 'ilicit smirking' (ie, wearing another person's smirk without meaning to), and the danger to public health.

However, to this day, politicians have not succeeded in outlawing smirking completely.

WHERE TO NOW?

It is impossible to predict what will happen to the simple smirk next. Governments may eventually succeed in making smirking illegal, but this may simply increase the ilicit trade in smirking, driving it underground.
At the moment, smirking companies are attempting to invent a range of 'substitute smirks' - with the working name 'Schmucks' - which have the attraction and flair of the classic smirk, but without the health defects. These include the 'Quiet Grin' brand of Schmuck and the 'Subtle Sneer' brand of Schmuck. It remains to be seen whether this will have any effect on smirking overall.

Until then, dear readers, it's ....

(Author exits, lips twitching slightly, mouth covered with hands ...)

UPDATE! - Famous smirks in history and literature!

1. The Cheshire Cat smirk - very few people (and certainly not Lewis Carroll himself) knew that, in fact, the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland was not actually grinning: he was smirking.

2. The Sigmund Freud smirk. When journalists asked him why he was always smirking, he replied, 'Sometimes a smirk is just a smirk', and carried on smirking. Just like that.

3. The smirking worker - from a Bulletin cartoon. One of the people in the picture is smirking - but which one?

4. The Smirking Man from The X-Files.

5. The Smirks - a short-lived cartoon sponsored by a smirk company. People were never quite able to work out why the little blue creatures featured had huge grins on their faces ...

* Abraham Lincoln, on the other hand, abstained from both the smirk and from female society.