Thursday, May 13, 2010

Wine, oats, sugar, cofffee, icing, coffee, chocolate, coffee, HELLO NURSE!

Last night I drank a bottle of wine. We were at a housewarming, see, and that wine wasn't going to drink itself. I had a large styrofoam cup and it took about four refills and three quarters of an hour.

The morning after the night before, I had a large bowl of porridge with brown sugar and milk, three cups of coffee, and (when I got to work) one sultana bun with margarine and icing and coconut frosting, and one large mocha. Later, I took my plunger into the kitchen at work and in a short time I had two more cups of coffee, large, and black.

All this consumption - by no means excessive on my part - was for an ulterior purpose, you see. I had elected to have a work health check at 1 PM this afternoon, and I didn't want to disappoint the people doing the checking. It's absolutely excessive to prepare yourself for a work health check by eating and drinking exactly as you would any other day, only more so. Otherwise the work health check isn't going to be accurate, is it? Plus, you want to give them more chance to find something wrong with you. Otherwise their day isn't as entertaining.

A little disappointingly, I didn't get told that I had leprosy or that my appendix was about to explode or anything like that during the health check. Although I did walk away with a bunch of confusing numbers and a shiny booklet.

Things I didn't say, for some reason, to the health check nurse:

"So, do you, like, tell every 10th patient they have tuberculosis, just for fun?"
"Do you and the other people doing this have a bingo card for the health problems you turn up every day? Do you sit around after work going, 'obesity, heart disease, BINGO!"
"Is it all right to eat lots of steak, because it's made from cows, which are made from grass, which is made from vegetables, which is what I'm supposed to be eating?"
"And what if the fruit I eat is made from meat? What if it's like a chicken banana?"


Shelley said...

I think they don't do health checks at my work because of all the people who've had work-related heart-attacks. Like that guy who was in his mid-thirties. It's okay though. Quite useful. Tells us when to start hiring fresh new people.

TimT said...

If I go that way my last words will be 'considering the cake, it was worth it.'

BwcaBrownie said...

are you singing 'Suspicious Minds' yet? That dietary intake looks positively Presleyish.

Email: timhtrain - at -

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