Last night I drank a bottle of wine. We were at a housewarming, see, and that wine wasn't going to drink itself. I had a large styrofoam cup and it took about four refills and three quarters of an hour.
The morning after the night before, I had a large bowl of porridge with brown sugar and milk, three cups of coffee, and (when I got to work) one sultana bun with margarine and icing and coconut frosting, and one large mocha. Later, I took my plunger into the kitchen at work and in a short time I had two more cups of coffee, large, and black.
All this consumption - by no means excessive on my part - was for an ulterior purpose, you see. I had elected to have a work health check at 1 PM this afternoon, and I didn't want to disappoint the people doing the checking. It's absolutely excessive to prepare yourself for a work health check by eating and drinking exactly as you would any other day, only more so. Otherwise the work health check isn't going to be accurate, is it? Plus, you want to give them more chance to find something wrong with you. Otherwise their day isn't as entertaining.
A little disappointingly, I didn't get told that I had leprosy or that my appendix was about to explode or anything like that during the health check. Although I did walk away with a bunch of confusing numbers and a shiny booklet.
Things I didn't say, for some reason, to the health check nurse:
"So, do you, like, tell every 10th patient they have tuberculosis, just for fun?"
"Do you and the other people doing this have a bingo card for the health problems you turn up every day? Do you sit around after work going, 'obesity, heart disease, BINGO!"
"Is it all right to eat lots of steak, because it's made from cows, which are made from grass, which is made from vegetables, which is what I'm supposed to be eating?"
"And what if the fruit I eat is made from meat? What if it's like a chicken banana?"
Tim, your links stink, you fink!
- John Bangsund's Threepenny Planet
- Broken Biro
- Poetry 24
- Superlative scribbles
- Kirstyn McD!
- Rorrim a tsomla almost a mirror
- More Sterne
- Cam the man from the Dan.
- Too hot to Raaaaaaandallllllll!
- Erin's Excellently Everlasting Effervescements!
- Slammy Infamy
- Hail Paco!
- Baron Blandwagon, purveyor of cyberbunnies, hawker of Roger Corman, and Misruler of the Multiverse
- The Bolta. Aiyeeeeee!!!!!
- Bad Apple Audrey
- The cartoon church
- Sir Martinkus
- A Zemblanian abroad and at home
- A hodge podge of hotzeplotz
- THE SLAMMA!
- Jottlesby's nottings, or should that be Nottlesby's jottings?
- The Snarking of the Hunt
- Jazzy Hands
- David of Metal City
- David the Barista
- The Blogger on the Cast Iron Balcony
- Be an Opinion Dominion Minion!
- ... and Fel
- His brilliant career - from whale sushi to crumbed prawn
- Jo Blogs
- Yet another Tim
- Was two peas, now three peas
- ... Still Life - now with extra rotating cats!
- An Amazingly Awesome Australian Ampersand!
- Blink and you'll miss 'er
- Red in the land of the tigers!
- Wire of Vibe
- Chase him, ladies, he's in the cavalry!
- The Non-palindromical Editrix in Germanium
- Old Sterne
- The briefs...
- ... and the brieflets
- The Purple Blog
- Blairville, lair of all that is wicked and perfidious
- The enticingly acronymical CSH
- EXTREEEEEEEME WYNTER!
- Mark of California
- Silent Speaking
- Lexicon the Mexican
- ► 2016 (68)
- ► 2015 (106)
- ► 2014 (135)
- ► 2013 (173)
- ► 2012 (275)
- ► 2011 (261)
- Grumble grumble
- On sausages
- Suggested dictionary additions
- Breaking news, belatedly
- The man who mistook himself for a croissant
- The fantasy alphabet....
- State of deliciousness!
- Non-sequiturs speak louder than words
- Didactic poem about underwear
- Sunday morning thoughts about sitting
- Wine, oats, sugar, cofffee, icing, coffee, chocola...
- Fleurs du Artie
- My very meta metabolism
- Whine critics
- Awesome reviews by awesome people
- Rather infrequently updated page of pleasantries
- British general election dinner party
- Never prejudge prejudice
- The relationship between insignificance and unsign...
- ▼ May (22)
- ► 2009 (290)
- ► 2008 (316)
- ► 2007 (392)
- ► 2006 (373)
- ► 2005 (287)