Sunday, July 27, 2008

Abstract semiotic concept - This is your life!

*Cue cheesey theme music*

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this show for another exciting episode of 'Abstract semiotic concept - This is your life!' Today we're privileged to welcome to the show a very special guest indeed. He's appeared in all manner of documents, both private and public, and has been in our lives for - well, goodness me, I guess over fifty years now! He's classic, and yet distinctive, and elegant in his simplicity - and so, I'd ask you all to please: make warmly welcome to this show now - THE COURIER FONT!

(Applause and cheers. Courier enters, all smiles and looking just a little bit embarassed)

- Well, golly gee! I didn't think that you'd put on such a show for me, Tim!

That's all right! Only the best for our guests, I always say. Now, you've had a lot of jobs over your life, Courier Font, isn't that right?

- Very true, Tim. But you know what? I don't feel old at all. I think there's plenty of official files I have yet to appear in, and lots of letters left for me to head. I'm not ready to retire just yet!

(Laughing) That's fine, just fine. Anything you especially have your eye on?

- Oh, YES, definitely! I'd really like to branch out into love letters. Can you imagine it? "Dearest Marcia, I am deeply in passionately in love with you - so much so, that I've decide to make it official, and use a monospaced font!"

I can see it right now, Courier. I can't imagine why nobody has ever thought of it before. Well now, Courier, I'd like to take you back to an early time in your life. Way back to the 1950s. Tell me, can you recognise this voice?

"A letter can be just an ordinary messenger, or it can be the courier..."

- (Wrinkling brow) Wait, I know that... I know that...

Let me just play you a little more of it, Courier.

"... which radiates dignity, prestige, and stability.

- Oh my God! Can it be!

That's right Courier. It's Howard Kettler, or, as you might better know him...

- GASP! It's my dear old Dad!

(Howard Kettler bounds into the studio to loud audience applause, and embraces the font he has created. They both cry a little, and are obviously very emotional)

- DAD! It's so good to see you!

HOWARD: And it's so wonderful to see you, son! (Turns to audience, the pride evident on his face) I raised this font from a little tiny baby font into the proud working font he is today!

- (Weeping) This is the happiest day of my life!

Well, Courier Font, you should be proud of what you've achieved so far. But this is not the only person we've got to see you today. Can you guess who we've got to see you next? You'll find him in a lot of files, both official and unofficial. He's especially popular in comic books! He's by nature an unobtrusive fellow, but lends weight to the words of others. Who is he?

- I.... I'm not sure, Tim. I'm sorry. I can't guess.

Well, let's listen a little bit to his voice.

(In a hoarse Jewish accent) I knew that font from a little baby, I did. A little tiddler! And I always knew he'd amount to something big. That's what I said to Howard, on the day he was born, I said, "Howard - you've got a real live one there!"

Well. Can you guess now?

- (Laughing) How could I not recognise that voice, Tim? It's my dear old friend, BOLD!

BOLD: (Shuffling into the cameras amidst raucuous audience laughter and applause) Hey, how are you, nice to see an old fellow like me finally get a little recognition around here, that's what I always say!

- Bold! Bold! It's so nice to see you! When was the last time we worked together again?

BOLD: Ah Courier, my old friend - that would have been on the Fishlinger document! Though we can't speak about that here... that's confidential!

(Both share a laugh amongst themselves)

Tell me, Mr Bold, why are you using such little letters? Our audience can hardly hear you.

BOLD: No! What are you, some sort of a putz? I've got a cold, you idiot! I'm having to struggle to even make my voice this loud!

Oh, sorry.

BOLD: Ah, that's all right, sonny. Say, do you mind if I smoke in here?

That's fine, Bold, that's fine. This blog endorses smoking, passive smoking, and passive aggressive smoking.

BOLD: (Lights up, and then waves his hand in forgiveness) Ah, you'll go far, sonny boy!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for us today. I'd like you all to thank Courier Font...

- Thank you, thank you, it's been so wonderful meeting up with all my old friends...

And his father, Howard Kettler and his best friend, Mr Bold.

BOLD: (Bowing) Thank you, thank you boys and girls. Do you come here often? Try the veal, it's very nice...

In tomorrow's episode of 'Abstract Semiotic Concept - This is your life!' we'll have yet another prestigious and famous guest that you'll recognise from official documents. Don't forget to tune in then!

(Applause, cheers, Courier, Howard, and Bold all weep copious tears while cheesey theme music plays)


Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

Courier's good and well, but what's the font of all wisdom?

Alexis, Baron von Harlot said...

P.S. still chortling.

TimT said...

You want the font of all wisdom? Italics! I'd believe anything people said to me - if they said it in italics!

TimT said...

I'd let Courier Font do an encore performance in the comments field here, but blogger won't let me do it.

Sal said...

Email: timhtrain - at -

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