The ultimate death match: footballers versus gardeners

Cranky Kennett slams Seven
Hawthorn president Jeff Kennett has described Channel Seven's refusal to televise Friday night's blockbuster clash between the Hawks and Geelong live as 'unacceptable'.

...Kennett, speaking on Melbourne radio station SEN on Wednesday morning, said Seven's decision was 'unacceptable'.

"They (Seven) are the ones with the football rights but blow me down we get a sell-out at the MCG - a blockbuster game not only of interest to Geelong and Hawthorn supporters but every lover of the game of the game - and they are saying instead we are going to watch gardening."

Well, it looks like the simmering tensions between footballers and gardeners have finally reached the point of no return. For years, of course, peaceful and law-abiding football citizens have been terrorised on the trains and the trams by the thuggish ways of the gardening supporters, roaming up and down the corridors, and arguing rudely about their favourite flowers. Gangs of Posie-lovers and Petunia-supporters have got into brawls outside the houses of old ladies, and children have been woken up after midnight by snarling chants of "W! I! S! T! E! R! I! A! WISTERIA! YEAH!"; or by drunken gardeners lurching down suburban lanes after fierce bouts of digging and watering, shouting the names of their 15 favourite species of Eucalyptus, skolling a beer after each one.

There are, of course, many unfair advantages that the gardening faction have over footballers. For instance, people are often allowed to have their own garden in their backyard. Footballers do not enjoy a similar privilege with football ovals. True, football ovals do not fit in the average suburban backyard, but this is another example of the bias inherent in our urban planning laws. Actresses often have roses thrown at them. But imagine if you threw a football at them - you'd never hear the end of it! Furthermore, gardening shows are often held in the Royal Exhibition Building in Carlton. Football matches, however, are never held there.

It would seem that there are many examples of blatant pro-gardening bias in our current system of governance, aiding and abetting the Gardening Terror on the streets of Melbourne. It is high time this was stopped!

WAYS FOR YOU, AS A NORMAL CITIZEN, TO COMBAT THE GROWING GARDENING THREAT

- Write to your local politician about the gardening menace. Speak to them of your concern.

- Agitate for the removal of propaganda such as Gardening Australia from our publically-funded television, and to have them replaced with nice, peaceful shows about footballers thumping one another.

- When you see a person setting up a gardening, watering a tree, or even just mowing a lawn, be brave. Speak to them about your concerns, and reason with them. Ask them, instead of planting a tree, why not turn the place into a football oval? This just might persuade them of your case.