Schmuck Friday

Times have not been good for the Great Australian Schmuck. While recent years have seen a resurgence in the numbers of the Putz, the Nebbish, and the Spotted Whooping Noodle of Canberra, the numbers of the much-loved Australian Schmuck have continued to dwindle. While environmentalists are not certain what has caused the population of the Schmuck to continue to fall, there seem to be a number of causes at work. For one thing, the typical habitation of the Schmuck - the university, the public service, or the media - have seen a lift in educational and cultural standards lately, which of course has had a negative effect for numbers of the Schmuck. Although successive Governments continue to do what they can to assist the Schmuck to flourish in ever greater numbers by mismanaging public and private education, and cutting money to valuable educational resources, the Schmuck continues to decline.

It is heartening, then, to know that at least one species of the Great Australian Schmuck has adapted to the modern environment with ease, which may make it easier for future generations of the Schmuck to make a comeback. We are talking, of course, of the Speckled Southern Schmuck, commonly known as the Hugh Mackay.

The Great Australian Schmuck in its natural habitat.

Whether it's through the authoring of dubious opinion columns, the writing of questionable books, or the participation in various media fora, the productions of the Hugh Mackay are many and varied. Ecologists and naturalists have marvelled at mating season when in sight of the Hugh Mackay ruffling its marvellous plumage.

Aside from being an inspiration to Schmucks everywhere, the Hugh Mackay has adopted, as a particular survival strategy, a claim to absolute and Godlike insight into the thought processes of Australian Schmucks all over the country. Observe here this Schmuck's marvellous deployment of an all-inclusive pronoun to describe other Australians:

THE election was one of those remarkable elections where people felt they were not just getting a new government but a new order. They thought this was a Government that was going to, if not perform miracles, then at least do something dramatic to the spirit of the nation.

Or in some previous examples:

How we're feeling about John Howard is therefore a far more pressing issue than how we're feeling about Rudd.

Again:

He reinforces our materialism. By conflating politics with economics and by placing emphasis on material prosperity, Howard has encouraged the idea that money is the key to happiness, that share-ownership is a symbol of success and that the rich should be praised and rewarded for being rich.

That, in turn, reinforces our moral laxity, partly because that's the usual result of an over-emphasis on material values. Howard's unwavering commitment to the strategy of "toughing it out" also encourages, by example, our thoroughly human tendency to be self-serving and, when it suits our purposes, dishonest.

If the resilience and survival instinct of the Hugh Mackay species of Schmuck is anything to go by, the future for the Great Australian Schmuck looks bright indeed.

UPDATE! - Does anyone else have inspiring stories about encounters with the many noble species of Schmuck?